The Golden Globes, 2011

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We warmed up earlier this month with the People’s Choice Awards, but now Awards Season begins in earnest with the Golden Globes.  By the way, People’s Choice Awards, you may need to reassess your existence if you’re nothing more than an unnoticed ramp-up to the ridiculous disaster that is the Golden Globes.  And I’m sure you noticed that I didn’t even bother with you, Critics’ Choice Awards.

As per the usual, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in a winner-picking competition.  We’ve done this for nine award shows and I’ve beaten her eight times.  Her one win?  Last year’s Golden Globes. That doesn’t bode well for me tonight; I suspect her tendency to make at least one or two crazy choices really helps her because of the general goofiness of the Hollywood Foreign Press.

She wants the win, too.  You guys should have seen her agonizing over her ballot!  I thought she was going to have a breakdown making her picks.  She also had to fulfill her role as award show bartender.  In honor of the foreign voters and the drunken, vaguely trashy vibe of the evening, she’s whipped us up a wine spritzer with equal parts Chardonnay, Sprite Zero, and Diet Orange Fanta.  As she set it down in front of me she said, “These are relatively disgusting, BTW,” but I’m enjoying mine so far.  She’s calling it the “Slutty Exchange Student” and assures me that she’s working on a second concoction for later this evening.

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All right, let’s get started.  As always, categories and winners in bold.  Take it away, Ricky Gervais!

8:01 – Here’s Ricky!  As I said last year, I think he’s perfect for this job, mostly because he doesn’t seem to care much about offending people and he doesn’t seem stiff and over-prepared.  I’m looking forward to it.

His drinking a beer on stage thing is starting to feel like a gimmick, though.

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8:04 – The audience has definitely warmed to him since last year.  He’s getting more laughs from the famous people up front.  Robert De Niro is certainly enjoying himself.

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8:05 – Scarlett Johansson is here to present Best Supporting Actor.  “Oh no, it’s starting,” says Johanna, who is really stressed out about her picks.

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We both went with Christian Bale.  We haven’t seen The Fighter yet, but everybody says he’s great, and he wins.  I’m starting to worry that we’ll have picked the same thing in every category.  The score is 1-1.  Also, are he and Johnny Depp currently in some sort of bedraggled competition or something?

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I would not have guessed “All the people from Lowell” would be thanked tonight.  Now he’s rambling and it sounds like he’s cursing out Robert De Niro.  We’re like eight minutes in to the show, Christian; it’s too early to be drunk.

8:10 – On the red carpet earlier it looked like LL Cool J was with Raven-Symoné.  You guys would tell me if LL Cool J was dating Raven-Symoné, right?  Anyway, here he is with Julie Bowen to present Best Actress, Television Drama.

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Again, we both went with the same pick, Julianna Margulies, from a show we don’t watch, The Good WifeKatey Sagal wins for her performance on another show we don’t watch, Sons of Anarchy.  This is something of an upset, as evidenced by the fact that she is seated all the way in the back of the room and can’t find her way to the stage.  Jack McBrayer looks as surprised as I am.

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Good for her, she’s always seemed really pleasant.  Plus, it was worth it just to get the crowd shot of Al Bundy applauding.  I should say, however, that Elisabeth Moss was outstanding on Mad Men this year, and deserved to win this.  The score remains 1-1.

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8:16 Johanna audibly moans as two of her least favorite people in Hollywood, Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey, come out to present Best Mini-Series or TV Movie.

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Finally Johanna and I picked something different.  She went with The Pacific, which, I swear, we really tried to watch!  We stuck it out for like four episodes!  I went with Temple Grandin because it won all those Emmys back in August.  Carlos wins.  I’ve heard it was great, but nobody seemed to be giving it a chance to win this.  This could be an unpredictable night, which Johanna claims will work in her favor.  The score remains 1-1.

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8:21 – Here’s “Ashton Kutcher’s dad” Bruce Willis.  Good line, Ricky.  Did Bruce Willis sell his hair for eternal youth or something?  This guy has looked the same my entire life.

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He’s introducing Red as one of our Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical nominees.  I can totally tell from this montage of clips that Red is a really good movie and absolutely deserved a nomination!  The Golden Globes aren’t a joke, everybody!  Stop laughing at the Golden Globes!

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8:23 – Here’s Leighton Meester and someone whose name we couldn’t quite make out.  Johanna is guessing Garrett Hecklund; I’m pretty sure I heard Erik Headstrong.  A quick trip to Google reveals him to be…Garrett Hedlund!  Johanna wins this one.  Also, as I predicted in my People’s Choice Awards recap, Ms. Meester looks much prettier when she’s not standing next to Minka Kelly.

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They’re presenting Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series, or TV Movie.  I went with Chris Colfer, hoping that this will be the evening’s sole Glee shout-out.  Johanna with the only one of these on a show worth watching, Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family. Colfer wins!  Lea Michele is having a breakdown.

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That’s enough Glee for the evening.  Go to bed, Gleeps.  The score is now 2-1 me.

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8:30 – Here’s Michelle Pfeiffer, for some reason.

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She’s introducing our second nominee in the Mediocre Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical category, Alice In Wonderland.  For reals!

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8:32 – Eva Longoria Parker is here to introduce the guy in charge of this thing.

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Look at how he’s staring at me!  I’m pretty sure he’s sucking the youth from me to prolong his own life.

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8:33 – Here are Milla Jovovich and Rachel Maddow Kevin Bacon to present Best Actor, Television Drama.

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We both went with Jon Hamm.  Even though I’m picking whom I think will win and not whom I want to win, there are always a few categories where I can’t bear to not pick my favorite.  This is a case of that.  Hamm was amazing on Mad Men this year.  Steve Buscemi wins instead.  He was pretty good (I guess?) on the sort of mediocre Boardwalk Empire.  He gave maybe the third or fourth best performance on that show.  “If Boardwalk Empire wins I’m going to be depressed,” says Johanna.  Get ready to be depressed, Johanna.  Still 2-1 me.

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Last year’s winner Michael C. Hall appears to be beta testing his “Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family” Halloween costume.

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8:37 – They’re also presenting Best TV Series, Drama.  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.  Johanna and I both went with Mad Men.  We figured it had a good chance, you know, since it is by far the best show currently on television.  Boredwalk Empire wins (not a typo, just a really bad joke).  Still 2-1 me.  Mark Wahlberg, still a bit punch drunk from filming The Fighter, wanders on to the stage.

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I should clarify; I didn’t hate Boardwalk Empire.  It’s very pretty, and Michael Pitt and Kelly MacDonald and the guy with one eye were absolutely great on it.  But it was ponderous and poorly paced, and anyone who thinks it’s objectively better than Mad Men is either insane or, in this case, hoping that Martin Scorsese would come onstage to accept the award.

8:43 – Here’s Andrew Garfield.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, did I know that he wasn’t American?” says Johanna when he begins speaking.  She also did not know that he had been cast as the new Spider-Man.

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He’s introducing our first Best Motion Picture, Drama nominee, The Social Network.

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8:46 – Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are here to present Original Song – Motion Picture.  “Between award shows and filming 30 Rock, he’s in a tuxedo a lot, huh?” says Johanna.  “What is he, a farmer?” I reply.

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We both went with “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque because WHO CARES.  It wins.  Seriously, I hate to be this jaded person, but these songs are all completely terrible and sound the same.  3-2 me.  Let’s move on.

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8:49 – Alec and Jennifer are also presenting Best Original Score.  This is a much better category.  We both went with Hans Zimmer’s score for Inception, because that fog horn was practically as ubiquitous as the vuvuzuela last year (yes, I stole that line from someone else’s tweet).  Trent Reznor wins for The Social Network. I am absolutely fine with that.

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Johanna pleads with you to not name your child “Atticus.”  I plead with you to not name your child “Trent.”

8:56 – Here’s Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld to present Best Animated Feature Film.  All I’m going to say about Bieber is he’s nearly 17.  Hailee here just turned 14.  She’s towering over him.  He’s the 21st Century Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

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We both went with Toy Story 3, because, duh, but we both totally preferred How to Train Your Dragon.  It’s seriously better and much more genuinely moving.  And I’m a Pixar fanboy, practically.  Anyway, Toy Story 3 wins, obviously.  4-3 me.

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9:00 – Robert Downey, Jr. is here to creep us all out by talking about wanting to have sex on stage.  He’s presenting Best Actress, Comedy or Musical.

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We both went with Annette Bening because seriously did you see this category?  Annette Bening wins for The Kids Are All Right.  Unfortunately for her, judging from her hair, she was recently caught in a Warner Brothers style cartoon explosion.  5-4 me.

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9:10 – Sylvester Stallone was busy tonight, so instead we have a Madame Tussaud’s wax figure of him.

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He’s here to introduce our next Best Motion Picture, Drama nominee, The Fighter.

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9:11 – Tilda Swinton and Geoffrey Rush are here to present Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie.  I’m not quite sure what to call it, but there is a whole lot of something going on up onstage right now.

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Johanna and I both went with Al Pacino in You Don’t Know Jack.  He was actually pretty good, in a Pacino-y way, but we mostly just want to see him act crazy.  He wins!  Buckle up.

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Well, the hair is…slightly more under control than the last time we saw him.  And I would describe what he’s doing as, at worst, borderline rambling.  Almost lost it near the end, there, but it would certainly be considered coherent.  Good job, Al! 6-5 me.

De Niro has donned his Pacino-watching glasses for the occasion.

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9:15 – Tilda and Geoff amble awkwardly back into frame to present Best Actress, Mini-Series or TV Movie.  We both went with Claire Danes from Temple Grandin, because of all the Emmys it won.  She wins.  7-6 me.

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9:23 – Here’s Zac Efron to introduce our next nominee for Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy, The Kids Are All Right.  I have nothing else to say about either of these things.

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9:25 – Here’s Tina Fey and Steve Carell to present Best Screenplay.  I love how these two are connected in everyone’s mind now, and have been for years.  Date Night was inevitable, right?  I’m surprised it took them until 2010 to make it.

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This one was obvious.  We both went with Aaron Sorkin, and he wins.  The dialogue in The Social Network was so great that I think we should give him Chris Colfer’s trophy, too, just for fun.  8-7 me.  This remains tight.

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9:29 – I’m not going to even look up the names of these guys.

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If you guessed that they are from Thor and Captain America, you’re right.

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They’re presenting Best Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie.  Johanna went with Jane Lynch from Glee.  I’m hoping the Boardwalk Empire lovefest continues and Kelly MacDonald wins, because she’s very good in it, and I actually have a bit of a crush on her.

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Jane Lynch wins!  NO!  Johanna raises her arms in triumph.  Why does Glee keep trying to make me hate Jane Lynch??  I like Jane Lynch!  We’re all tied up, folks.  8-8.

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9:36 – Robert Pattinson, Olivia Wilde, and Olivia Wilde’s dress are here to present Best Foreign Language Movie.

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We’ve seen none of these, but we both went with I Am Love.  Something called In a Better World wins.  I’ve never heard of it, and as Robert Pattinson announces it I briefly think he’s going to say something along the lines of “In a better world, this movie wouldn’t have won.”

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9:38 – Here’s Helen Mirren introducing our next nominee for Best Motion Picture, Drama, The King’s Speech.

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I’m excited to see this movie, but it seems sort of goofy.  At the very least I’m going to say it has more of a comedic vibe than The Tourist does, although that’s not what tonight’s nominations would have us believe.

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9:40 – Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams are here to present Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical.  He describes 2010 as “a year in which we all needed to laugh.”  Cheer up, Blair Underwood!  Sure, things aren’t looking great for The Event, but 2010 wasn’t THAT bad.

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We both went with Laura Linney, because she’s kind of a movie star amongst TV stars in this category, and this is the Golden Globes.  They love movie stars.  She wins.  The score is 9-9.

9:44 – Johanna has unveiled her Golden Globetrotting drink sequel, this time combining a Cabernet Sauvignon with the aforementioned Diet Orange Fanta.  She has dubbed it the “Dirty Backpacker.”  It, too, is a success.

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9:46 – Here’s Hanoi Jane Fonda.  Are we still calling her Hanoi Jane?  No?  Only Ted Turner still calls her that?  OK.

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She’s introducing our next nominee for Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical, Burlesque.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, but before you say anything I should tell you that no, they are not kidding.  I know that it seems like a joke, but they are being serious.

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9:47 – Here’s Kaley Cuoco with some guy named Matt Bomer, but that is way too close to “boner,” so instead, since Johanna pointed out that he looks like a young Jon Hamm, we’re going to call him “Young Jon Hamm.”

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They’re presenting Best Actor, TV Musical or Comedy (you know, because of all those television musicals).  We both went with Jim Parsons from Kaley’s show, The Big Bang Theory.  He wins, and Kaley seems shocked, which is odd considering he just won an Emmy for this role.  Still tied, 10-10.

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9:50 – Jeremy Irons is here with his utterly hilarious over-the-top upper class British accent to present Best Supporting Actress.  When you talk like that, you don’t need a co-presenter.

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Johanna and I both went with Amy Adams.  I’m starting to worry that we’re going to be stuck in a tie for the rest of the night.  Melissa Leo, her co-star from The Fighter, wins.  Still 10-10.

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9:58 – Matt Damon is here to protest the lack of nominations for True Grit.  No, wait, he’s here to give Robert De Niro the Cecil B. FastForwardThroughThisPart Award.

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Side note: have you guys seen Darren Aronofsky lately?  He has a funny mustache, and I’m pretty sure that it isn’t ironic.

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I’ve always sided with Pacino over De Niro in that great debate, mostly because of how much I love Dog Day Afternoon, but at this point De Niro wins.  He both looks and sounds less crazy than Pacino, and while some of these jokes are a bit painful, quite a few of them are hitting.

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10:13 – Megan Fox is here to introduce our next nominee in the Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical category.  Yup.  The Tourist.

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This looks turrrrrrible.  I agree with Johnny Depp, let’s get out of here.

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10:14 – Annette Bening is out to present Best Director.

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What a ridiculously strong category.  There are a lot of really, really talented directors working at the moment.  We both went with David Fincher, and I shake my head because I’m now 90% sure that we are going to end up with a tie.  He wins.  We’re at 11-11.

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10:17 – Jimmy Fallon and January Jones are here to present Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical.

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Guess what?  We both picked Modern Family.  I was hoping maybe Johanna would pick Glee.  And ugh seriously why aren’t we done with this show yet it wins!  Who are all these crazy people?  Look at that Art Garfunkel looking guy in the background there.  Is he a writer?  Anyway, we’re still tied 11-11.

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10:24 – Here’s Alicia Keys in a look that, frankly, isn’t doing her any favors.

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She is, for some reason, introducing the next nominee in the Best Motion Picture, Drama category, Black Swan.

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10:25 – Halle Berry is here, and she really looks like 1999 Halle Berry.

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She’s presenting Best Actor, Comedy or Musical.  Johanna and I both went with Johnny Depp in Alice In Wonderland, but thankfully he doesn’t win for that Technicolor nightmare.  Instead, Paul Giamatti wins for Barney’s Version, a movie that I still insist doesn’t actually exist.  He comes onstage and does a very good impression of Paul Giamatti.

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10:32 – Out comes world-renowned horse racing jockey Joseph Gordon-Levitt to introduce the next nominee in the Best Motion Picture, Drama category, Inception.

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10:33 – Jeff Bridges is here to present Best Actress, Motion Picture, Drama and maybe it is actually 1999, because Halle Berry is nominated.  I must admit to being a bit perplexed about the fact that the Hollywood Foreign Press has pretty much everyone from True Grit here to present, but nominated it for absolutely nothing.

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We both went with the clear favorite Natalie Portman.  Seriously, did you guys SEE No Strings Attached?  She was GREAT!  I can’t believe Kutcher wasn’t nominated!

She wins, of course.  12-12.  Johanna and I are definitely going to tie.

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10:38 – Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are here, and, uh oh, Tim Allen’s Transitions lenses are stuck in daytime mode.

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They’re presenting Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy.  We both went with The Kids Are All Right, because otherwise we would have had to go with Alice In Wonderland, Burlesque, Red, or The Tourist.  It wins and this guy comes out and says, snippily, “I had a really long speech prepared, but today they said I only have sixty seconds, so it’s going to be much shorter.”  Really, guy?  Have you never seen an award show before?  How long did you think you were going to get?

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Still tied, 13-13.

10:46 – Cher Sandra Bullock is here to present Best Actor, Motion Picture, Drama.

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We both went with Colin Firth, and he wins.  So BORING.  I mean, not Colin Firth, I’m sure he’s great; I just mean that there were very few upsets tonight.  We’re still tied, 14-14.  He comes up, and it LOOKS like Colin Firth, but it sure sounds like Bill Hader doing a British accent.

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10:54 – Everyone’s happy to have cancer survivor Michael Douglas onstage, and he’s actually looking pretty sharp.

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He’s presenting Best Motion Picture, Drama.  We both went with The Social Network, and it wins.  In a night that featured a boatload of ridiculous nominees, you ended strong, Hollywood Foreign Press.  This was my favorite movie of 2010, and it seems that Ricky Gervais agrees: “Justice there.”

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15-15!  I can’t believe we finished in a tie.  How anticlimactic of us.  My record stands at 8-1-1.  I guess I’ll take it.  I’ll see you all back here next for the Grammy’s, I think?  That’s always fun.  I’ve heard Bruno Mars is performing this year!

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As for you Mr. Gervais, after some of the jokes you made tonight, I’m sort of doubting you’ll be back next year, but I can hope.  A job well done.

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They might actually keep him and make this “speaking truth to power” thing their trademark.  I mean, it could be good for ratings, and they did go to the trouble of mocking up this graphic.

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One thought on “The Golden Globes, 2011

  1. Pingback: The Academy Awards, 2011 | Of Modern Proportions

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