BLACK AND YELLOW GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA!!!1! YO! MTV gives out VMAs!!
Seriously, this is one of my favorite award shows, if only because it is consistently bonkers. I mean, most of the time it’s only bonkers in an over-produced, manufactured MTV type of way, but it’s still sort of fun if you don’t think too much about it, I think? And every once in a while something that’s actually bizarre happens. I was actually starting to get excited about this earlier today until I remembered that Chelsea Handler was the host [Edit: Wrong.]. UGH THAT DOUBLE UGH.
Anywayz, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in another of our CLASSIC winner-picking competitions. Luckily, there are only like eight categories tonight (at least on our ballot), so this should be easy enough. Johanna is also, as usual, in charge of our themed beverage for the evening. I’ve been singing (rapping?) Kreayshawn all day long, so she’s calling tonight’s drink the “Gucci Gucci.” We don’t have any Adderall to grind up and put in a beverage, so she’s making a variant of a Cuba Libre because, in her words, “it’s something a trashy girl would drink.” After her first sip she added, “I’ll only be having one of these.”
Let’s get going. Categories and winners in bold. And if Kanye does anything crazy, it’ll be in bold and also, like, 20 pt font.
9:35 – Hey, guess what!? Time Warner Cable is the worst! The tech they use is ridiculously out-of-date and barely functions, and it decided this evening to not record the first 35 minutes of this show! Now I’m going to use that 35 minutes of my life that they saved me tweeting at them about how horrible they are.
I suppose this means I missed the opening performance (Lady Gaga, I think?), so that’s too bad, but this also means that I have to hear Chelsea Handler talk less, so, win some lose some, I guess? [Edit: Wrong.] Oh, well. Deep breaths, Jared; it’s just the VMAs. This will all be online later anyways.
Johanna is hopping on to MTV.com to see the results of any categories that we missed. Let’s check in.
Best Video with a Message: We both went with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” and it wins. 1-1.
Best Pop Video: Johanna went with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and I went with Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, because we had both forgotten that it was 2002. Since it is 2002, though, Britney Spears wins with “Till the World Ends”.
Best Rock Video: I went with Foster the People here because I have never heard of them before. Johanna remembered that it was 2002 this time, so she went with Foo Fighters, who win. 2-1 her.
All right, let’s rejoin our regularly scheduled programming.
9:35 – Jack Black, Will Ferrell, and Seth Rogen are here reprising their roles as the Beastie Boys from this thing:
And now they’re being joined onstage for a dance contest by Odd Future. There is too much going on right now and I’m still recovering from the Time Warner incident.
They’re presenting Best Hip Hop Video. We both went with Kanye’s “All of the Lights” because seriously have you seen that video?! It’s unbelievable!
But wait, what? Nicki Minaj wins for “Super Bass”? No ways. No ways. Where’s Kanye when you need him? Nicki, I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but Kanye had one of the best videos of all time! Still 2-1, Johanna.
We must have really come a long way over the past few years, stylistically, considering I don’t feel the need to comment on Nicki’s dress.
9:44 – OK, so I at least have a vague idea of who Demi Lovato is, but I’m at a loss with this other guy. His name is either Cort or Cord Overstreet.
They’re presenting Best Collaboration. We both went with Kanye. Frankly, any time one of the choices is “All of the Lights” I’m going to go with “All of the Lights.” Instead, Katy Perry and Kanye West win with “E.T.”, and I like both of them, but wow is that song stupid. Also, Katy is doing some sort of old-timey radio voice or something, and neither Kanye nor I know what her deal is. Maybe she got into Kreayshawn’s Adderall.
9:46 – Wait, what? Rick Ross and Paul Rudd?
I have literally not a thing to say about this Pitbull and Ne-Yo performance. I’m going to take this opportunity to feed my dog.
9:57 – WARDROBE CHANGE WHAT! And this one is as bad as the last. What’s going on, Katy?
She’s introducing Adele. Adele, this had better be a medley. Do not tell me that you aren’t singing “Rolling in the Deep.”
That was more than a bit disappointing.
10:10 – Kim Kardashian is here presenting Best Male Video.
OK, so you know how before I said I would always pick “All of the Lights” if it were an option? Well, in this case, the fans are doing the voting, so I decided to go with Justin Bieber, as did Johanna. Is Bieber Fever still a thing? Apparently it is, and he wins. 3-2 Johanna. Also, wutz up with the weird half-frame glasses, Justin?
10:12 – Joe Jonas and someone named Victoria Justice, I think? I’m sure I’ll know who she is in a year. That’s usually how these things work. Also, Joe Jonas looks like a former member of NKOTB.
They’re introducing Chris Brown. Gross. This guy is such an unstable weirdo. I’m also pissed at him for ruining “Forever” for me.
Did you guys know that Chris Brown = Jesus?
“I’m getting too old for this shit.” – Jay-Z
Johanna suggests that Jessie J is playing “No Scrubs” here as a dig at Chris Brown. Interesting theory.
10:24 – Whoa, whoa, whoa. WTF, WTF, WTF? Now I really need to see the first half hour that I missed. Has Lady Gaga been in character as Al Pacino all night?
“Is she dressed up as Amy Winehouse, except, like, as a man?” – Johanna.
Soooooo…I’m just going to pretend that didn’t just happen and try to enjoy this Britney tribute.
I’m really having trouble deciding if this makes me like Gaga more or less.
Anyway, Britney Spears is getting some sort of lifetime achievement award or something, and also introducing Beyoncé. I really need to see Gaga’s opening performance now.
Also, this is happening.
OMG, here I am still trying to get over this Lady Pacino madness and now Beyoncé is pregnant?? What is going on?
10:40 – How short is Taylor Lautner? I didn’t know he was short. I mean, I know Selena Gomez is wearing heels here, but I’ve seen her next to Justin Bieber. She is small.
They’re presenting Best New Artist. Johanna went with my girl Kreayshawn and I went with Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa. Tyler, the Creator wins! I had picked him and then I changed my mind! “Should I be listening to more Odd Future?” asks Johanna. We’re still at 3-2.
10:42 – Zoe Saldana and Johnny Drama Jared Leto are here. Johanna and I have a brief conversation about how we can’t get over how much of a douche Jared Leto is. Here are the people I have to share a name with: Jared Leto. Subway Jared. Jared Lee Loughner.
They’re introducing a band named Young the Giant. I don’t know who this is and likely never will. Also, this guy REALLY does not need both an old-timey microphone AND a new-timey microphone. I promise.
10:53 – Cloris Leachman and the Jersey Shore girls. I’m starting to worry that I inadvertently ingested some sort of hallucinogen.
They’re presenting Best Female Video. We both went with Lady Gaga, and she wins. 4-3, Johanna. In other news, I’m just going to assume that in the first half hour that we missed Lady Gaga announcing that she was transgendered.
11:03 – Russell Brand is here to talk about Amy Winehouse. I was pretty sad about her dying, you guys. I really loved Back to Black, and was still holding out hope for a comeback. R.I.P., Amy Winehouse.
Tony Bennett is here to join in the Winehouse love. Someone help him! His Transitions lenses are stuck in the middle!
Bruno Mars is singing a Winehouse song. Honestly, I would much rather have skipped that Adele performance earlier and have had her singing here. That seems more appropriate.
11:17 – “YOU’RE FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THE HUNGER GAMES PREVIEW!!!” yells Johanna when I’m not quick enough to press play after the commercial break. She then commences freaking out when she hears that they’re filming in North Carolina.
11:19 – Katie Holmes is here presenting Video of the Year.
We both went with Adele, which cements the loss for me. Katy Perry wins, and she’s 0 for 3 on outfits for the evening. Better luck next year, Katy.
So, Johanna wins. 4-3. I’m pretty sure she’s won two of the last three of these contests. What is wrong with me?
Anyway, Drake is here. I’m sick of Drake. I don’t think I like any of his songs. I prefer his work on Degrassi. Also, nice sweater, Drake.
He’s presenting Lil’ Wayne. I don’t think I really like any of Lil’ Wayne’s songs, either, but I’m certainly not sick of him.
11:27 – Wait, so does the fact that this is over mean that I missed not only whatever weirdness is going on with Gaga, but also Kanye and Jigga? Because I’m pretty sure Kanye and Jigga were supposed to perform here. Now I have to watch the beginning of the replay, I guess. I will burn Time Warner to the ground.
11:58 – So this is how this show started? I don’t know how to react to this.
Johanna and I both agree that this, over the course of the night, was funnier having not seen this introduction. I can’t decide is this is sort of hilariously brilliant or just a terrible acting class monologue.
Biebs seems equally befuddled.
I mention that this sounds like a Queen song, and instantly Brian May appears onstage. Magic!
I think I like this? This is the most interesting bit of performance art garbage I’ve seen her try in a while, at least.
12:08 – Wait, Kevin Hart? I really thought Chelsea Handler was supposed to host this. Whatever. “Maybe I just made up that Chelsea Handler was hosting.” Says Johanna.
12:13 – I’m not going in-depth with this. This has been over for hours. But Jonah Hill is skinny now. Well, skinnier.
12:21 – Finally, Kanye West and Jay-Z. And now I can rest.