GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD EVENINNNNNNNG VIETTTTTBLOGGGGGG!!1!!1!

In the immortal words of Staind, it’s been awhile! Three years, in fact. Time flies when you’re working a lot and stressed out and busy with other stuff having fun! But, hey, I’m here now, blogging the Oscars, just like you wanted. You can all stop stop begging and pleading and refreshing your browser over and over OK? I mean, I know the last thing I should be doing is complaining about the devotion of my legions of fans, but to be perfectly frank, it was starting to get a little desperate.

JKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJK you guyz! No one cares about this at all!

Of course, Johanna and I will be doing one of our winner-picking competitions. It’s been a long time since we’ve done one of these for the blog, and it’s been really confusing for us. How are we supposed to know who is winning in our relationship if we don’t have award show winner-picking competitions to tell us, you know???

Ellen’s hosting right? That’s all right, I guess. She’s affable and mildly charming. Ellen is to hosting as 2013 was to movies, I think. Good, not great. I liked a lot of what I saw this year, but didn’t really love anything. But who cares, right? It’s the Oscars! Glitz! Glamour! Gowns! Flubs! Snubs! Subs! This message brought to you by Subway. Eat Fresh! Eat Fresh is a registered trademark of the Subway Sandwich Conglomeration.

Johanna has made us both a Gin Fizz for the occasion. Seems very appropriate for this old timey Hollywood event. “I was thinking about calling it the ‘American Fizzle’.” she said sheepishly. Works for me! Stop being sheepish, Johanna! Own your puns!

OK, let’s get started, gang! While I go google how to spell McConaughey, you guys watch the 2013 version of one of my favorite internet time-wasters, Cinescape. Hats off to Matt Shapiro, the guy who puts these together every year.

8:31 – Here we go! Out comes Little Lord Fauntleroy to kick things off. [Editor’s note: this is actually Ellen DeGeneres.]

8:39 – I was just getting ready to say that we were eight minutes in to this monologue and I had yet to laugh, but then I laughed like three times in a row so SHUT UP, JAREDDDD.

8:40 – Anne Hathaway is here with her army of glass minions to present Best Supporting Actor. “I am the captain now.” is this year’s “I drink your milkshake”, huh?

Johanna and I both went with Jared Leto here, because that seems inevitable, right? But maybe maybe maybe I didn’t think he was QUITE as great as everyone else did? I think I actually preferred Bradley Cooper in American Hustle and the guy from Captain Phillips to JareBear, and I really liked Michael Fassbinder as well BUT WHO CARES because I STILL don’t have an vote for this, shockingly, and Jared Leto wins. First (BUT NOT LAST) Jared to win an Oscar? Anywayz, we’re tied, 1 to 1.

Did Jared have like even heavier eyelids applied on top of his already heavy eyelids? He looks like he’s 30 seconds to ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

8:46 – Is Ellen a tiny person, or is that the world’s largest phone?

8:50 – We WARNED him and we WARNED him that if he kept making that face it was going to get stuck like that, and he wouldn’t listen. Well, look where we are now, Jim Carrey. Look where we are now.

8:54 – SPOILER ALERT, Scandal fans: Olivia Pope is pregnant!

She’s introducing Pharrell, who is here to perform “Happy” which I guess was in Despicable Me 2? News to me! Anyway, I sure am HAPPY that he continues to wear this hilariously awesome hat.

9:00 –  Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts sure look HAPPY to be here! OK, I’ll stop.

They’re here to present Best Costume Design. Johanna and I both went with American Hustle because side-boob, I guess? But The Great Gatsby takes it because Roaring Twenties, I guess? We’re still at 1 to 1.

Samuel and Naomi are also presenting Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Yeah, let’s crank through these. I went with The Lone Ranger because literally all I remember about the trailers for that movie is hair and makeup. Johanna goes with the winner, Dallas Buyers Club. She’s in the lead, 2 to 1.

9:07 – Cue the Indiana Jones theme. “Why are they playing this?” says a befuddled Johanna. Uh, duh, Johanna, because here comes Harrison Ford!

He’s introducing the first three Best Picture nominees, American Hustle, Dallas Buyers Club, and Wolf of Wall Street.

I really liked American Hustle right after I saw it, but the more I thought about it, the more I was like, what was the point of all of this? Were there actually stakes here that I was supposed to understand? The acting was great, though, and there were some really fun scenes.

I liked Dallas Buyers Club but thought it kind of took a really interesting story and played it as safe as humanly possible. The characters felt a bit flat and the story just went from point A to point B to point C just as expected. Also, Jennifer Garner is kind of a terrible actress, and her character felt like it was out of Dangerous Minds or something.

I did not see Wolf of Wall Street.

9:12 – Channing Tatum is here. “Hey hey hey!” says Johanna in a sassy voice.

9:15 – Matthew McConnahey McConnaway MacklemoreandRyanLewis McConaughey and that woman who was famous for being addicted to plastic surgery Kim Novak are here to present Best Animated Short.

I went with Get a Horse! because I think that one had Micky Mouse in it and we all know the Academy loves starzzzzz, but, again, Johanna picks the winner, Mr. Hublot. She’s up 3 to 1. Gulp.

Matt and Kim (hey!) are also presenting Best Animated Film. We both went with Frozen because I’m pretty sure it’s a documentary about this winter in Boston. It wins! 4 to 2 Johanna.

9:20 – Do you guys like Sally Field?

She swears you do. She’s very adamant about it.

9:22 – Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emma Watson are here. “They make a cute couple. Maybe they should bang.” says a contemplative Johanna. Wouldn’t that child be elfish!

They’re presenting Best Visual Effects. We both went with Gravity because OBVZZZZZZ. It wins, OBVZZZZZ. 5 to 3, Johanna.

9:25 – Even Zac Efron is confused as to what he’s doing here.

He’s introducing Karen O and Ezra Koenig! Hey, I really like these two people! Get out of here, Zac Efron. “Here’s another celebrity fantasy couple. Actually, no, because I want him to be MY boyfriend,” says Johanna. Take it easy on that Gin Fizz, Johanna.

9:30 – Jason Sudeikis and Kate Hudson are here to present Best Live Action Short Film.

We picked The Voorman Problem.  Helium wins. THIS IS BORINGGGGG>.>>.

Documentary short. Johanna got it right. Let’s move this along. 6 to 3, Johanna. “I feel like I’ve seen these two weirdos before. Is that possible?” she says.

9:37 – Oh boy, I’m already losing steam. Here’s Bradley Cooper.

He’s presenting Best Documentary Feature. We both picked The Act of Killing. 20 Feet from Stardom wins. I think I need a snack. I’m not taking a photo of these people. Still 6 to 3, Johanna.

9:40 – Does it throw any of you guys off when Kevin Spacey just turns and starts talking straight to the camera? Oh, wait, I think he’s supposed to be doing that here, actually.

He’s presenting Angela Lansbury the award for Best Screenplay for that murder she wrote about that one time, I think? Something like that. Boy oh boy, they need to throw a real award in here. Or a death montage. Throw me a bone, Academy Award producers.

9:48 – Ewan McGregor. Viola Davis. Best Foreign Film. God, this is like death. I can’t believe they haven’t mixed some real awards into this stretch.

I went with the one of these I’ve actually seen, The Great Beauty. Johanna went with the Cambodian one. The Great Beauty wins. Johanna is up 6 to 4. I’m on the comeback trail!

For what it’s worth, I thought this movie was interesting but ultimately kind of disjointed and slightly too ambitious for its own good. Worth a watch.

9:51 – Tyler Perry is here to introduce the next three Best Picture nominees, Nebraska, Her, and Madea’s Witness Protection Gravity. Nice try, Ty!

I just saw Nebraska today and actually really, really liked it. Much subtler and smarter seeming than most Alexander Payne movies *cough*IhatedtheDescendants*cough*.

I did not see Her, unfortunately, but I bet I would like it.

I thought the visuals in Gravity were amazing (remember when that space station was just getting shredded?!?!!) but I realllllllly did not like Sandra Bullock’s performance. I also thought it suffered a bit from Finding Nemo disease where every time you think the movie is over something new bad happens. When Sandy SPOILER ALERT finally gets back to Earth and then almost drowns and then gets caught in some seaweed I was like “What’s next, SHARKZ?”

9:53 –  Brad Pitt is here to introduce some band named YouTube. No time to fact check this, I need to catch up. Here are some photos:

10:04 – Where’s Wallace? Here’s Michael B. Jordan! And Kristen Bell. Talking about the technical awards. “WHY ARE WE STILL IN THE BORING PART?! IT’S BEEN FOREVER!” says Johanna. I agree, Johanna.

10:06 – Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron are here. They’re presenting Best Sound Mixing and OhMyGODI’mFallingAsleep.

Gravity wins because space disaster, amirite? We both picked it. Johanna leads 7 to 5.

I might have to hire a joke writer to punch this thing up because it’s SO BORING IN HERE. Another Best Sound Award Thing. Gravity also wins. We both picked it again. 8 to 6.

10:12 – OH thank GOD Christoph Waltz is here. He’s always interesting, even if he’s just being really creepy!

And he’s even presenting a real award, Best Supporting Actress! We both went with Lupita Nyong’o because that seems to be the way things are going, and she was very good, but I think I actually liked both Sally Hawkins and Jennifer Lawrence better, maybe? Lupita wins. Johanna is up 9 to 7.

10:22 – So this is happening right now:

Even Jesus likes pizza, you guyz.

10:24 – OK, just when we were finally getting things going, here’s the director or whatever of the Academy. I just going to take a quick nap, I think. You guys don’t mind, right?zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

10:25 – Here’s Amy Adams and Bill Murray. Bill looks like he hasn’t combed his hair since he heard about Harold Ramis dying. (JK BILL I LOOOOVE YOU RIP HAROLD RAMIS!)

They’re presenting Best Cinematography. We both went with Gravity, which wins. This is probably the right call, but I just want to take a moment to say that I thought the cinematography in 12 Years a Slave (not even nominated) was really amazing. That movie was so much more artful than it needed to be. 10 to 8, Johanna.

10:29 – Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe are here to present Best Editing.

We both went with Gravity, and it wins. 11 to 9, Johanna. I’m starting to worry I’m not going to be able to catch her at this point!

10:32 – Whoopi Goldberg looks kindaaaa like she forgot she was supposed to be on the Oscars and just grabbed a few random things out of her closet to wear. #whoworeitworst #cattyjared

10:34 – The Wicked Witch of the West P!nk is here to sing “We Represent the Lollipop Guild” or something. You guyz, whoever forgot to bring her twirly sky ropes is gonna get firrrrrred.

10:42 – Somehow this is better than Whoopi’s outfit.

10:43 – Here come Jennifer Garner and Benedict Whiffenpoof. “I’m with you that she is not a good actress, but she is looking very hot tonight. She should probably just be a model. Like a Covergirl model. Is she a Covergirl model?” – Johanna

They’re presenting Best Production Design. We both went with Gravity because everyone luuurrrvvzz it so much. But The Great Gatsby wins. Still 11 to 9. GROSS!

10:46 –  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the boring bearded talented Chris Evans!

10:53 – Glenn Close is here, direct from some funeral or another.

OH I GET IT! IT’S THE DEATH MONTAAAAAAGE! I LOVE THIS! #calmdownjared #berespectfuljared “Big year for death, huh?” says Johanna.

I joke, but there were some seriously sad bummer deaths this year. Like James Gandolfini.

And Paul Walker.

And Roger Ebert.

And, of course, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And perhaps saddest of all, Yoda. We lost him, guys.

11:05 – Goldie Hawn is here to introduce our final three Best Picture nominees.

I did not see Philomena.

I know this is not necessarily the coolest opinion in the world to have, but I LOVED Captain Phillips. I thought the direction was amazing. I was completely absorbed from the beginning.

And, here we are with I think my favorite movie of the year, 12 Years a Slave. As I said, this was way more artful than it needed to be.

11:08 – It’s so brave of John Travolta to be here so soon after his double eyeballectomy.

11:12 – Coming to us live from 2004, it’s Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel!

They’re presenting Best Original Score. I went with Her because that was Arcade Fire, right? Or something? Johanna went with Gravity, because she apparently doesn’t realize you can’t hear music in space. Wait, what? Gravity wins? OK then. Johanna is up 12 to 9.

Next up, Best Original Song. We both went with the song from Frozen and it wins. Johanna is up, 13 to 10. You guys, these people just EGOTed!

11:23 – Robert De Niro and Penelope Cruz are here. I GUARANTEE he just said something creepy to her backstage.

They’re presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. We both went with 12 Years a Slave and it wins. Good movie, you guys. 14 to 11, Johanna.

Now, Original Screenplay. I went with Blue Jasmine and Johanna went with Her. Her wins, which pretty much seals Johanna’s victory tonight, folks. Oh well, I guess I’ll just go KILL MYSELF. 15 to 11.

I really thought the writing for Blue Jasmine was great. It was my favorite of the newer Woody Allen movies, definitely. Probably my favorite since Sweet and Lowdown. Remember Sweet and Lowdown? No? I love that movie.

11:31 –  Here comes Angelina Jolie and Sydney Poitier. Jesus, isn’t this show supposed to be over already? They need to trim this down. I think we can handle bumping the sound awards to the technical Oscars, guys. I MAY need to start fast-forwarding. I have work tomorrow!

They’re presenting Best Director. We both went with Alfonso Cuarón and he wins. I’m going to pretend he’s actually winning for Children of Men because oh brother do I love that movie. 16 to 12, Johanna.

11:41 – Daniel Day-Lewis is here to present Best Actress.

We both went with Cate Blanchett, and she wins. 17 to 13, Johanna. ALMOSTDONEALMOSTDONEALMOSTDONE!

11:48 – Wow, Annette Bening looks fantastic! What’s that now? That’s Jennifer Lawrence? OK, she’s still gorgeous, but might be time to consider growing that hair back out.

She’s presenting Best Actor. We both went with Matthew McConaughey becuz have you guys seen True Detective? He wins! 18 to 14, Johanna.

I think I’m officially out of jokes. PAST MY BEDTIME.

11:56 – Will Smith is here to present BEST PICTURE!!!

SO, I didn’t see Her or Wolf of Wall Street, and I suspect I would have loved both, but of the movies I saw, 12 Years a Slave was the best. Johanna and I both picked it, and it wins. Fine with me. Johanna also wins, 19 to 15. FINE JOHANNA, GOOD FOR YOU! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Boyohboy that took a long time. I forgot how long these not-at-all-live Live Blogs take me. I knew there was a reason I stopped doing them! So, see you again soon maybe never?

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!