We warmed up earlier this month with the People’s Choice Awards, but now Awards Season begins in earnest with the Golden Globes. By the way, People’s Choice Awards, you may need to reassess your existence if you’re nothing more than an unnoticed ramp-up to the ridiculous disaster that is the Golden Globes. And I’m sure you noticed that I didn’t even bother with you, Critics’ Choice Awards.
As per the usual, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in a winner-picking competition. We’ve done this for nine award shows and I’ve beaten her eight times. Her one win? Last year’s Golden Globes. That doesn’t bode well for me tonight; I suspect her tendency to make at least one or two crazy choices really helps her because of the general goofiness of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
She wants the win, too. You guys should have seen her agonizing over her ballot! I thought she was going to have a breakdown making her picks. She also had to fulfill her role as award show bartender. In honor of the foreign voters and the drunken, vaguely trashy vibe of the evening, she’s whipped us up a wine spritzer with equal parts Chardonnay, Sprite Zero, and Diet Orange Fanta. As she set it down in front of me she said, “These are relatively disgusting, BTW,” but I’m enjoying mine so far. She’s calling it the “Slutty Exchange Student” and assures me that she’s working on a second concoction for later this evening.
All right, let’s get started. As always, categories and winners in bold. Take it away, Ricky Gervais!
8:01 – Here’s Ricky! As I said last year, I think he’s perfect for this job, mostly because he doesn’t seem to care much about offending people and he doesn’t seem stiff and over-prepared. I’m looking forward to it.
His drinking a beer on stage thing is starting to feel like a gimmick, though.
8:04 – The audience has definitely warmed to him since last year. He’s getting more laughs from the famous people up front. Robert De Niro is certainly enjoying himself.
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2011 has begun and another awards season is here, and we all know what that means; Johanna and I must resume our award show winner-picking competition. If you’re sensing a lack of enthusiasm on my part, that’s due to the fact that tonight we’re starting with The People’s Choice Awards.
I don’t know about you, but I was under the apparently false impression that this was a real award show. I mean, I knew from the title that it was voted on by the “people,” so the actual winners are inevitably going to be terrible. That’s no excuse for the list of nominees, though. No real award show in 2010 has any reason to nominate Jackie Chan for anything, right? The categories themselves don’t even make sense. Two of the TV show categories are “Favorite TV Obsession” and “Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure” and the nominees for both seem pretty interchangeable. And Mad Men apparently doesn’t qualify as either an “Obsession” or a “Guilty Pleasure.” At least we finally get to vote for our “Favorite TV Doctor.”
I’m having trouble even figuring out who the target audience for this show is. This is key, because since this is a winner-picking competition, I need to know what type of person was doing the voting. So, judging from the nominees, this is basically the MTV VMAs/Movie Awards except it’s aimed at the dorkier tweens and teens. Also, there is probably a lonely housewife factor that I need to consider. Noted.
If you’ve been keeping score at home you’ll remember that I pretty handily trounced Johanna in the 2010 competition. Of the eight award shows we’ve done this for, I won seven of them. It’s a new year, though, so we’re wiping the slate clean and giving her a chance to redeem herself. Let’s get started. As always, categories and winners in bold.
9:00 – No one told me this was hosted by Queen Latifah. Although, to be fair, no one said anything about this show to me at all, ever.
9:02 – She’s opening with a cover of “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. This is officially Johanna’s favorite opening to an award show. I’m busy scanning the audience to see how many celebrities are actually in attendance to try to see what I’ve gotten myself into.
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Guys, the Golden Globe nominations are out, and I’ve got bad news. We forgot to make comedies this year! Can you believe it? Is Judd Apatow in rehab or something?
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My first reaction to this was WTF Hollywood Foreign Press? My second reaction was also WTF Hollywood Foreign Press, because, seriously, Burlesque? I mean, I realize it’s a musical, but that movie was made exclusively to serve as a punchline for bad jokes, right?
My third reaction was to realize that I guess I can’t totally blame them; there weren’t really any good comedies this year. I didn’t see Dinner for Schmucks or The Other Guys, but I doubt they were award-worthy. My favorite comedy was probably Get Him to the Greek, and that was a seriously flawed movie. Why did no one make anything funny?
At least the Hollywood Foreign Press is finally recognizing the hilarious work of world-famous funnyman Johnny Depp.
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Two nominations! I think Johnny Depp’s funniest trait is how he doesn’t take himself way, way too seriously. Also, did he get nominated for The Tourist because his beard and hair are really funny in that movie? That would make sense, I guess.
I’m glad that the foreign press liked The Tourist, though, because it is very much a movie that was made for Europeans. No one I know has any interest in that hot ball of garbage. The Venetian tourists with whom I’m familiar are less Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and more loud, annoying people that are carrying strollers up and down the steps of all the bridges because obviously bringing a baby to Venice is a really great idea. When I was there I literally saw people with babies and diaper bags and broken legs and crutches and everything. CANCEL THE TRIP.
Also, I just want to say, I’m pretty sure that the movies that Paul Giamatti and Kevin Spacey were nominated for don’t actually exist. Barney’s Version and Casino Jack? Nope.