2011 has begun and another awards season is here, and we all know what that means; Johanna and I must resume our award show winner-picking competition. If you’re sensing a lack of enthusiasm on my part, that’s due to the fact that tonight we’re starting with The People’s Choice Awards.
I don’t know about you, but I was under the apparently false impression that this was a real award show. I mean, I knew from the title that it was voted on by the “people,” so the actual winners are inevitably going to be terrible. That’s no excuse for the list of nominees, though. No real award show in 2010 has any reason to nominate Jackie Chan for anything, right? The categories themselves don’t even make sense. Two of the TV show categories are “Favorite TV Obsession” and “Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure” and the nominees for both seem pretty interchangeable. And Mad Men apparently doesn’t qualify as either an “Obsession” or a “Guilty Pleasure.” At least we finally get to vote for our “Favorite TV Doctor.”
I’m having trouble even figuring out who the target audience for this show is. This is key, because since this is a winner-picking competition, I need to know what type of person was doing the voting. So, judging from the nominees, this is basically the MTV VMAs/Movie Awards except it’s aimed at the dorkier tweens and teens. Also, there is probably a lonely housewife factor that I need to consider. Noted.
If you’ve been keeping score at home you’ll remember that I pretty handily trounced Johanna in the 2010 competition. Of the eight award shows we’ve done this for, I won seven of them. It’s a new year, though, so we’re wiping the slate clean and giving her a chance to redeem herself. Let’s get started. As always, categories and winners in bold.
9:00 – No one told me this was hosted by Queen Latifah. Although, to be fair, no one said anything about this show to me at all, ever.
9:02 – She’s opening with a cover of “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. This is officially Johanna’s favorite opening to an award show. I’m busy scanning the audience to see how many celebrities are actually in attendance to try to see what I’ve gotten myself into.
9:04 – Here’s Jennifer Aniston to present Favorite Comedic Star. Johanna suspects she’s drunk.
Johanna went with Tina Fey in this category. I went with Adam Sandler, and Johanna is aghast. When he wins I tell her that she has obviously overestimated the intelligence of the People’s Choice Award voting public. She claims she just didn’t think he was relevant anymore, to which I reply that Adam Sandler is relevant to idiots in perpetuity.
Aniston has just informed us that Grown Ups has also won for Favorite Comedy Movie. Johanna assumed it would be a female-driven evening and went with Sex and the City 2. I went with Easy A, for whatever reason. This is going to be a wacky night. The score after two categories is 1-0 me.
9:13 – Here’s Mila Kunis to present Favorite Talk Show Host. Did you guys hear about her and Macauley Culkin breaking up after dating for seven years? Seven years! How had I never heard that they were dating? I love the Culkins; I can’t believe this slipped past me.
Johanna went with Ellen Degeneres here. I went with Conan O’Brien, hoping he would still have some residual Team Coco internet power. Both of us are concerned that Chelsea Handler is actually going to win, though. Conan wins! 2-0 me.
Is this just a bit Conan is doing, or are these microphones actually not adjustable? That’s ridiculous.
9:21 – Hey, things are looking up, it’s one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt!
Oh, no, wait, that’s Elton John. He’s presenting Favorite Country Artist. Johanna and I both went with Taylor Swift here, obviously. She wins, obviously.
9:25 – I actually like Kaley Cuoco quite a bit, and think she’s very pretty, but this Bumpit looking hair she’s rocking makes her head look sort of like that of an alien.
She’s introducing a performance by Selena Gomez and whatever her band is named. The Scene? I wasn’t paying attention.
Wait a second, she just won an award, like, mid-performance. I’m having a hard time keeping up. Apparently she is our Favorite Breakout Artist. Both Johanna and I went with Justin Bieber here; I actually thought about going with Ke$ha, but it never even crossed my mind to consider Ms. Gomez and her aforementioned Scene. Shows what I know.
9:34 – Oh god, this is terrible. Queen Latifah is talking to Neil Patrick Harris in the crowd and it is so awkward. Also, it feels like they are just killing time. Is there a fire being put out on stage right now or something?
Ah, I see, they were trying to walk us into a pre-recorded bit. And apparently that was the best way they could think of to do it. I’m going to rest my eyes for a few minutes, everybody.
9:38 – Here’s Taye Diggs and Kate Walsh from Private Practice. Let’s talk about that show for a minute. I see every fourth episode or so, because my wife watches it and I’m sometimes in the room. And I don’t want to be a hater, but that is the worst show on television, by far. I’m so hilarious that I even refer to it as Private Craptice. I should call it Medical Malpractice, because, seriously, every doctor on that show has done at least ten things that should have resulted in them losing their license to practice medicine.
Anyway, they are presenting Favorite TV Comedy Actor. We both went with Matthew Morrison, because he’s so funny! No, actually, I have no idea who he is, but he’s on Glee, so I figure it’s a lock. But no, Neil Patrick Harris wins! Nice. This has to be a burn for Johanna who said right before his name was announced, “I really wanted to pick NPH, but I didn’t.”
We’re keeping Taye and Kate out here to present Favorite TV Comedy Actress. Johanna and I both stuck with Glee and picked Jane Lynch here. She wins! And while she’s walking to the stage it’s announced that Glee has also won Favorite TV Comedy, so we both get that one too. I really resent Glee for making me get sick of Jane Lynch, by the way. The score stands at 4-2 me.
9:49 – I enjoy the fact that the producers of this show are trying to incorporate Favorite Viral Videos, but this category seems completely thrown together on a whim, and abruptly jamming it in after a commercial break isn’t helping that perception. I went with some kid singing “Paparazzi”, and Johanna chose the winner, some kid freaking out about not being a Single Lady.
They are presented with a trophy made of Wheat Thins. My lead shrinks to 4-3. Let’s move on.
9:52 – Here’s Emma Roberts and Chuck from Chuck to present Favorite TV Drama Actress.
We both went with Blake Lively, but as we all know, you can’t count on the youth vote, and Lisa Edelstein from House wins. Also, House has apparently won Favorite TV Drama, a category in which Johanna chose Grey’s Anatomy and I chose The Vampire Diaries. I don’t even know what channel The CW is, but I could have sworn that show had the type of crazy, rabid fan base that would flood an online poll like this.
9:55 – This show is such a hot mess. The introduction of Taylor Swift, out to present Favorite Movie Actor, actually has a calming effect on me. Let’s get things back under control, folks.
We both went with Robert Pattinson; I played the Twilight angle really hard tonight, and I can’t handle Taylor Lautner. Johnny Depp wins. This bodes well for his Golden Globe chances, because the Hollywood Foreign Press is at least as ridiculous as the people voting in this.
Take your ridiculous, affected accent and go away, Mr. Depp.
10:02 – OK, I hate to be this person, and I’ve even watched like an entire season of this show, but who still cares about the Kardashians? Seriously, they exhaust me. I would never complain about people getting famous for no reason, but shouldn’t they not stay famous indefinitely? I want some new reality stars!
10:04 – Jim Parsons is here with Miranda Cosgrove, a girl with whom I’m not familiar. Johanna speculates that she’s “another Disney person.”
They’re presenting Favorite Movie Star Under 25, a particularly arbitrary category. Johanna and I both went with Robert Pattinson; I’m starting to really regret choosing all this tween crap, but in this category I didn’t really have a choice. Zac Efron wins. This is almost as tedious as the Daytime Emmys.
10:07 – Oh god. Here are some girls I’ve never heard of from a show called Hellcats that I’ve never heard of introducing a “sneak peak” of some movie starring Nick Cage that I’ve never heard of. And I thought Zac Efron was tedious. Time has slowed to a crawl. I feel vaguely feverish.
10:15 – Jerry O’Connell, I know that you were scarred by everybody referring to you as “the fat kid” back in the Stand By Me days, but you really need to stop losing weight. You look like Pee Wee Herman in that suit.
They’re presenting Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure, and Johanna and I are locked in a Garden State stand-off. I went with Jersey Shore and she chose The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Keeping Up with the Kardashians wins and I let out a big, defeated sigh.
Johanna, meanwhile cannot stop talking about how much bigger Khloe (?) is than the other two, comparing it to Ke$ha towering over Justin Bieber at last year’s Grammys. I must admit that it is rather uncanny. The score remains 4-3.
10:18 – If I were a young Hollywood starlet I would do everything in my power to not be photographed next to Minka Kelly. Poor Leighton Meester. Johanna seems to share my sentiment: “Leighton Meester looks old… I wish I were Minka Kelly.”
Seriously, Kid Rock? Ughhhh. OK, I need to go make a drink or take some Prozac or Five Hour Energy or something. My body is not responding well to the People’s Choice Awards thus far.
10:23 – What is it with actresses waving by grasping and clenching at the air instead of just moving their hands side-to-side like a normal person? You know what I mean? Like this:
Johanna is speculating that it is a coached behavior that looks better in still photography or something. Sounds like a reasonable hypothesis.
10:28 – Here’s the woman from NCIS that middle-aged men have a crush on because she’s whatever safe version of “goth” and more interesting than their schlubby wives. God, I need to stop watching this, I don’t like the person it’s turning me into.
She’s presenting Favorite New TV Drama. We both went with Hawaii Five-O, because what else was going to win, No Ordinary Family? 5-4 me.
She’s also presenting Favorite New TV Comedy, in which the nominees were, get this: $#*! My Dad Says, Better With You, Mike & Molly, Outsourced, and Raising Hope. TV is so terrible this year! Was there an unpublicized writer’s strike during pilot season last year or something? I went with Raising Hope because it is the only one of those shows that is even blindly groping towards funny. Johanna chose Mike & Molly because she has a soft spot for fat Chicagoans. $#*! My Dad Says wins, though. Also, up is down and down is up. I’m beginning to lose feeling in my extremities.
10:32 – Oh thank god, people I actually like, Malin Akerman and Stephen Moyer.
They’re presenting Favorite Movie Actress, and you guys, there has been a misunderstanding of some kind. Katherine Heigl is nominated, and I’m pretty sure she isn’t anyone’s favorite anything. Also, when they show the clip of Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love, Johanna says, “Oh, that’s what she was in this year!” which says a lot about that movie, I think.
We both went with Kristen Stewart, and the youth movement finally pays off! She is as ridiculously awkward as ever (she reminds Johanna of a Kristen Wiig character), but at least she doesn’t seem quite as unhappy as usual tonight. The score is 6-5 me.
10:37 – Niki Taylor is here to talk to us about sponsor Covergirl. Between this and all the CVS Pharmacy Beauty Club stuff, this is a very cosmetics-heavy broadcast.
10:43 – Whoa, now that he and Katy Perry are married Russell Brand has really let himself go.
10:46 – Why are we being subjected to this drawn-out, awkward banter after every commercial break? This show is supposed to be over in fourteen minutes, you decadent assholes. Stop killing time.
10:47 – Michael Chiklis from The Commish and Julie Bowen from Ed are here to present Favorite Female Artist.
I had absolutely no clue whom to pick here, so I went with Lady Gaga, as did Johanna. I wish I had picked Taylor Swift or Katy Perry. And, yes, Katy Perry wins. It’s also announced that she wins Favorite Online Sensation, whatever that is. Luckily, I picked her. Johanna had picked Betty White. 7-5 me!
10:55 – So this movie that Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman are in seems like something that was made in 2007 and shelved, and then was briefly considered for a straight-to-DVD-release, but then they decided to go ahead and put it out in theaters because of the buzz about Black Swan, right?
Anyway, they’re presenting Favorite Movie. Johanna and I went with Twilight: Eclipse, because we can all agree that it was obviously the best movie released last year. It wins, and movie critics around the world rejoice. It also wins Favorite Drama Movie, which I picked it for, too. Johanna had gone with The Social Network there, as if that were anywhere near as good as Twilight: Eclipse. 9-6 me. Look how comfortable Kristen Stewart is on stage:
10:59 – Wait, that was the last award? What? They skipped a ton of categories, including some major ones like Favorite Male Artist, Favorite Song, and Favorite TV Doctor!
Also, what in the name of the lord is the point of untelevised People’s Choice Awards categories? This isn’t the Oscars or something that actually matters where they don’t want to leave anyone out. If you don’t have time to televise it, there is absolutely no reason to have people voting on things like Favorite TV Crime Fighter. Now I have to go look all of these up online. And yes, I realize that the phrase “have to” might be a bit strong. Here we go:
Favorite Action Movie: I went with the incomparable Iron Man 2, as did Johanna. It wins, which makes sense, because anytime a sequel comes out and even the fans of the original think it sucks, you have to give it an award. 10-7 me.
Favorite Action Star: I chose Jake Gyllenhaal, because, as Johanna said, “Really? For his performance in Prince of Persia or whatever?” She chose the much more sensible Angelina Jolie. Obviously, the People went with Jackie Chan. Did Rush Hour 4 come out this year without me realizing it?
Favorite Family Movie: We both went with Toy Story 3 because it was obviously Toy Story 3 here. 11-8 me.
Favorite On Screen Team: Again, an obvious one. We both guessed correctly that it was the Twilight gang. 12-9 me.
Favorite Horror Movie: A Nightmare on Elm Street? Like, the 1984 original? I’ll go with that. Johanna will take the latest Resident Evil. I win; 13-9, me.
Favorite TV Drama Actor: Johanna went Taye Diggs, I went with Ian Somerhalder. Wow, I’m sort of ashamed of us. Hugh Laurie wins.
Favorite Competition Show: I went with the youngsters again here and chose So You Think You Can Dance. Johanna went with Dancing with the Stars. We both ignored the obvious, American Idol, which wins.
Favorite TV Crime Drama: We both went with Bones. Lie to Me wins. “Jesus Christ,” says Johanna.
Favorite TV Crime Fighter: I correctly guess that Johanna went with Emily Deschanel. I picked Simon Baker because I just heard the other day that The Mentalist is the number one show in France. I’m not even making that up. Tim Roth wins, because, you know, LIE TO MEEEEE, GUYZZZ! I’m losing it. Johanna has gone into conspiracy theory mode: “Is that on CBS?”
Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy Show: I pick The Vampire Diaries for the third category of the night. Johanna picks it, too. Fringe wins.
Favorite TV Obsession: I went with Dexter and Johanna picked True Blood, and those are the only two watchable shows nominated. I haven’t even heard of two of the other nominees, Pretty Little Liars and White Collar. Dexter wins! Johanna is getting angry: “These people are too stupid to like Dexter!” 14-9 me.
Favorite TV Guest Star: We both went with Britney Spears on Glee, but we went with the wrong Disney-created star. Demi Lovato wins for what I’m sure was an inspired performance on Grey’s Anatomy.
Favorite TV Doctor: We both went with Hugh Laurie here, and he wins. 15-10 me. Can you believe Robert Sean Leonard was nominated here, along with Mr. Laurie and a bunch of Grey’s Anatomy people? Who is asked the question “Who is your favorite TV doctor?” and responds “Oh, Wilson from House, definitely!”
Favorite TV Family: We both went with the Modern Family clan, and The Simpsons wins, which is sort of baffling considering the last time that show was really good most of the people voting in this were four years old.
Favorite Family TV Movie: Johanna went with Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, and I swear guys, if my choice, iCarly: iPsycho doesn’t win I will LOSE it, because it is so deserving. No, Camp Rock 2 wins! Highway Robbery! Johanna picks up a point and the score is 15-11.
Favorite TV Chef: I went with Gordon Ramsay here because as bad as Hell’s Kitchen is, the original British Kitchen Nightmare’s is actually really awesome. Johanna went with Rachel Ray, who wins. If Johanna ends up coming back and winning this, I will burn Ithaca to the ground. 15-12 me.
Favorite Male Artist: Johanna went with Usher, and I chose the winner, Eminem. I can’t believe how many untelevised categories there are. 16-12 me.
Favorite Song: “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem featuring Rihanna gets the win. “Good song” says Johanna. Unfortunately, she picked “California Gurls” by Katy Perry and I went with “Airplanes” by B.o.B. and Hayley Williams.
Favorite Rock Band: Paramore, obvs. We both picked them and they win. 17-13 me.
Favorite Pop Artist: Johanna went with Gaga, I went with Perry, and Rihanna wins.
Favorite R&B Artist: We both picked Usher, and he wins. 18-14. I’m running out of steam. I can’t even imagine how you feel.
Favorite Hip Hop Artist: I picked the winner, Eminem. Johanna went with Drake. Can you believe Jimmy from Degrassi is a legitmate (and not just in Canada!) rapper now? 19-14 me.
Favorite Music Video: “Love the Way You Lie” beats out the video that both Johanna and I picked, “Baby” by Justin Bieber. Is Justin Bieber over? No one told me. I guess he hasn’t been trending on Twitter lately.
Twenty-three untelevised categories! What is wrong with you, People’s Choice Awards? Anyway, we survived. Johanna starts 2011 the same way she spent 2010, losing to me in award show winner-picking competitions. Good luck next time. What is next, btw, the Golden Globes? Thank god.
Can you believe I just wrote well over 3000 words about The People’s Choice Awards? What is wrong with me? I need a snack.