Were you to walk into the living room of my apartment, it’s likely that one of the first things to draw your eye would be the massive, seven-foot-tall DVD shelf. I’ve always been vaguely uncomfortable with it. Having that many DVDs on display and out in the open like that has always seemed a bit tacky. Besides, as we all get more comfortable with digital media and hard copies of things become sort of unnecessary, having as large of a DVD library as my wife and I do is almost embarrassing.
Were you to actually approach the shelf, however, things would really start to get embarrassing for me. Impulse purchases and rash decisions abound. There is nearly as much chaff as there is wheat. Both my wife Johanna and I own movies that not only are we not likely to watch again, we didn’t even really like them the first time.
Below is a list of sixteen that struck me as particularly ridiculous. These aren’t necessarily the worst movies we own; a couple of these are actually pretty good. But, for one reason or another, none of these films deserves a place in our DVD collection. Most of them don’t belong in the DVD library of anyone who wasn’t directly involved in their production.
16) Coyote Ugly
I almost cut this out of the list so that I would have an even fifteen. I mean, even without having seen this I know that it’s a terrible movie. But if being terrible were the only consideration, this would be a much longer list; inclusion here requires a DVD to be particularly useless. Johanna expressed surprise, however, when I went to put it back on the shelf, saying that this was the movie she was most embarrassed to own. That was enough to re-earn it a spot.
15) Patriot Games/Clear and Present Danger
OK, so these aren’t terrible movies. I mean, as far as action movies go, they’re a little bit quaint by today’s standards, but that’s still Harrison Ford and not Steven Seagal on the cover there. But the question remains, what would possibly compel me to buy one of these on DVD, let alone BOTH? And I can guarantee that these were separate purchases and not some discount two-pack. I decided, on two individual occasions, that I needed to purchase a Jack Ryan movie on DVD. And, both times, Harrison Ford’s Jack Ryan. Not Alec Baldwin’s Jack Ryan. Not Ben Affleck’s Jack Ryan. What was my motivation? I’ve never even read a Tom Clancy novel!
The first half of this movie is actually kind of great! The second half just keeps going and going and going and is a mess. But quality isn’t really the issue here. Why do we own this? I’m kind of surprised this is even available on DVD. How many of you have even heard of this movie?
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m glad we have this. How many copies of this can their even be in circulation? I’m guessing no more than 500. I now consider myself a part of a very exclusive Papillon club.
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