I don’t usually watch the MTV Movie Awards.  It’s not like I think I’m too good for it; I love these MTV train wrecks and was really upset when I realized I had missed the most recent VMAs and had to watch it online.  But the Movie Awards show just isn’t usually on my radar.

This time around, though, Aziz Ansari is hosting, and since I am both a fan and a Twitter follower of his, I’ve been looking forward to this.  As I was setting it up on the DVR it occurred to me that I should compete with Johanna in a winner-picking competition like we’ve done in the past with the Oscars, Grammys, and Golden Globes.  I went looking for a ballot online, but shockingly was unable to find one.  I guess not as many people participate in office pools for the MTV Movie Awards as they do for some of the other awards shows.  I decided to make my own ballot, so I went to the MTV site and looked up the categories.  And that’s when I really got excited about this.

Best WTF Moment.  Biggest Badass Star.  Best Scared-As-S**t Performance (MTV’s asterisks, not mine).  Plus, I’m pretty sure that the winners were all determined by online polls.  So, to correctly pick winners, I have to put myself in the mindset of a fifteen-year-old girl.  I haven’t even heard of some of these movies, let alone seen them.  This is going to be epic.

Just a warning, my usual strategy of taking photos of my actual television for these live events works out even worse when the show is not in HD.  And Time Warner Cable down here does not have MTVHD.

Let’s get started.  As always, categories and winners in bold.

9:00 – Oh man, Betty White is in the audience!  Now I’m wishing I had picked her for Best WTF Moment.

9:01 – Kicking things off with Tom Cruise reprising his character from Tropic Thunder.  This character just grosses me out, because everything Tom Cruise does grosses me out.  Also, Tropic Thunder seems really old and non-topical to me.

9:07 – This Aziz The Blind Side/Precious/Justin Bieber montage is pretty hilarious.  I don’t think I could take Justin Bieber seriously even if I were a fifteen-year-old girl.

9:10 – Aziz mentions Twilight and the crowd goes wild.  I picked Twilight stuff in a lot of categories, but this reaction makes me feel like it might sweep.  Johanna and I have a discussion about how we thought the Twilight craze was over and people weren’t into New Moon. We were apparently wrong.

9:11 – Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade.  The last time any of these guys was culturally relevant the average MTV viewer was like four.  I guess The King of Queens wasn’t that long ago, and there was that movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  Does that mean that, for the girls that screamed for Twilight, Kevin James is the most recognizable guy on stage?

9:13 – They’re presenting Best Female Performance.  Johanna: “I picked Emma Watson, more out of personal preference rather than actual popularity.  I probably should have gone with Kristen Stewart.”  I, of course, went with Kristen Stewart, and I pick up the point.  1-0 me.

9:14 – Kristen has to slouch to give her speech, leading Johanna to wonder why the microphone is so low.  I’m guessing it has something to do with David Spade having been the one to announce the winner.

9:18 – T.I. looks a lot like Jamie Foxx.  Like, A LOT.

9:21 – Did Aziz just call Russell Brand “Russell Bland”?  Was that a dig?  Anyway, Jonah Hill, Diddy, and Brand are out to present Best Breakout Star.  I actually accidentally had this category spoiled for me earlier, and I am honest to a fault, so I’ll have to recuse myself.  If Johanna gets it, I’ll give her a bonus point.  Aren’t I nice.

She went with Zack Galifianakis.  He’s probably whom I would have picked, too.  Unfortunately, we’re both wrong, and Anna Kendrick wins for Up in the Air.  She is the last person I would have picked in this category.  I didn’t even think she was good in that movie, and I’m really surprised MTV viewers picked her.  Maybe I was wrong about this being an online poll award show.  Still 1-0, me.

9:25 – Ed Helms and Ken Jeong out to perform Helms’ song from The Hangover.  Johanna and I both admit to being sort of sick of Ken Jeong.  Johanna: “I hope he doesn’t win Best WTF Moment.”

9:27 – Wait, Tom Cruise is actually here, live, performing with Ludacris?  Cruise will do anything to try to improve his image nowadays, and I know this Tropic Thunder bit is the only thing he’s done in years that has been received well, but this is ridiculous.  Johanna: “Trying so hard to revive his image.” Me: “I’m writing about it as we speak.”

9:29 – Now J. Lo is here!  This is like mutual career life support.  Johanna has the same thought: “What a pack of has-beens.”  Katie is cheering Tom on from the crowd, and she looks sort of old and plain.  By her high standards, at least.  Maybe she needs a new haircut.

9:31 – As they go to commercial, the announcer tells us that there’s a preview of the next Harry Potter movie after the break.  Johanna perks up and says “Ooo!”  I should point out that she is also currently sitting next to me on the couch reading a Harry Potter book.

9:35 – Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd out to present Best Scared-As-S**t Moment.  Again, MTV’s asterisks, not mine.

Johanna and I both went with Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body.  That movie screams “MTV audience fave.”  We’re both right, so the score is 2-1.

9:37 – Here’s the Harry Potter preview.  I know I was just making fun of Johanna, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t super-hyped about these Deathly Hallows movies.  I do worry that splitting the final book into two movies will mean the first installment ends up being sort of a letdown.

9:43 – Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel out to present Best Kiss.  I have nothing to say about either them or the “Kiss Cam” bit that they’re doing.  Bored.

Johanna and I both wanted to go with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning from The Runaways, but no one saw that movie, so we went with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson from New Moon, and we’re right, obviously.  3-2, me.

9:47 – Jason Segel comes out with some girl that I’ve neither seen nor heard of before to introduce a musical performance by Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg.  Finally, a musical performance!  I thought this show was just an excuse for MTV to cram in some more performances between VMAs.  We’re forty-seven minutes in!  I’m dying here.

9:50 – I’m a Katy Perry fan, but…  I mean, this song is pretty catchy, but it’s no “Hot N Cold.”  And I’m not sure about the look.  This all reeks of keeping-up-with-Gaga desperation.

And I’m sick of Snoop, frankly.

9:51 – Johanna likes both this song and the Ke$ha song that it sounds a lot like.  I think she would probably only admit to liking this one, though.

9:56 – A commercial comes on for the Real World.  Me: “New Real World.  Should we dive back in?”  Johanna: “Yeah, every other season seems about right.”  Plus, it’s in N’awlins, so that’s a bonus.

9:57 – Human Giant reunion!  I love these guys.  I actually almost bought the Human Giant DVD earlier today.

Also, Johanna has had a crush on Rob Huebel since the Candidate Zero commercial days.

9:59 – Betty White, Bradley Cooper, and Scarlett Johansson out to give some random lifetime achievement-ish thing to Sandra Bullock.  In non-HD and a wide camera shot, Scarlett looks sort of like an Olsen twin.  Downgrade.

10:01 – Sandra Bullock and K.T. Tunstall songs go together perfectly.

10:03 – Johanna confesses to loving Sandra Bullock.  That is quite the bombshell to drop on me just over a month and a half before we get married.

10:10 – It’s time for the award we’ve all been waiting for, Best WTF Moment!  Michael Cera, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, and Kieran Culkin are presenting.  I absolutely love three of these four people.  Can you guess which one is the odd person out?

If you guessed Anna Kendrick you’re correct.  I bet some of you were thinking it was Kieran, but I love all Culkins unconditionally.

Johanna went with Betty White groping Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.  She chose poorly.  Being so in touch with the MTV generation, I knew that Ken Jeong’s dong in The Hangover would leave an indelible impression on their young minds.  4-2 me.

10:13 – Ken Jeong just got serious and started talking about his wife’s recovery from breast cancer.  Now I feel bad for hating on him earlier.  I haven’t felt this bad since I realized that Michael C. Hall was wearing a dorky hat at the Golden Globes because he also had cancer.  Still, this was a weird moment from Jeong, but when else is he going to have a chance to give a speech at an award show?  Let it all out, Ken!

10:16 – Aziz hilariously introduces the next presenters as “Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, and Eva ‘The Rock’ Mendes.”  Nice one, Aziz.

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg bum rush the presentation.  There’s been a ton of bleeped-out cussing all night, because Orbitz is sponsoring the bleep button.  Dirty mouth, get it?  But something goes seriously wrong here, as s- and f-bombs are flying around, uncensored, all over the place.

10:19 – Anyway, they’re presenting Best Villain.  This is the one category where I just went with my favorite, because I couldn’t bear to choose anyone other than my man Christoph Waltz.  Johanna agrees.  But Tom Felton, the kid who plays Draco Malfoy in the Hary Potter movies, wins.  Seriously?  I love those movies, but that kid is terrible.  Still 4-2 me.

Wow, Christoph Waltz is in the audience, and looks a bit put out.  I’m guessing something got lost in translation and he didn’t really know what he was signing up for.

10:22 – Kia is actually sticking with this hamster thing for their Soul ads?  I think my brain just died a little bit.  Also, Black Sheep has to be kind of ashamed about their song being in this commercial.

10:25 – Jackie Chan, Will Smith’s kid, and Shaun White are out to introduce Biggest Baddass Star.

Time for a reader poll!  Who wore it best?

Shaun White

Kris Kristofferson

Johanna went with Sam Worthington here, and I went with Channing Tatum.  We’re both wrong.  Rain wins.

I’m surprised, but maybe that’s because I only know this guy from his fake feud with Stephen Colbert (4:50 in to the following clip).  Still 4-2 me.

10:35 – Vanessa Hudgens and Jessica Alba out to present Best Male Performance.  Johanna and I both went with Channing Tatum.  I don’t think he’s as popular as Robert Pattinson, but I’m hoping Pattinson and Taylor Lautner split the New Moon vote.

And I’m wrong.  Pattinson wins.  Never bet against Team Edward, folks.  Still 4-2 me.

Why is Kristen Stewart so painfully uncomfortable?  Why did she pursue acting as a career if she is going to constantly act like she hates attention?

10:38 – And for the first and only time ever in this or any universe, Ed Helms and Christopher Mintz-Plasse introduce a musical performance by Christina Aguilera.

10:40 – Whoa.  Is this like her return to her Xtina persona?

Also, the back-up dancers rubbing all over each other thing is a blatant Madonna rip off.

This is almost too dirrty for my blog.  I’ll have you know, the MTV cameras zoomed in on her crotch, not me.

10:48 – GalifiaZackis!  BTDubs, I want credit when people start calling him that.

10:50 – Zac Efron here to present Best Comedic Performance.  It makes sense because he’s such a riotously hilarious guy.

Johanna and I both went with Zach Galifianakis.  Let me pause here for a minute and say that it is absolutely ridiculous that both Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are nominated for The Proposal.  I actually saw that movie, on a plane, of course, and it was awful even by dumb-high-school-kid-watching-MTV standards.  Luckily GalifiaZackis pulls off the win, and Aziz accepts the award for him in character as his swagger coach.  5-3 me.

10:58 – Seriously, Tom Cruise again?  Ugh.  And he’s accompanied by Cameron Diaz, who we, as a society, are also sick of.  Right?

They’re presenting Best Movie.  I chose Avatar, because before sitting through this whole thing I was under the false impression that the Twilight craze was over.  Johanna went with The Hangover.  Inevitably New Moon wins.  At least this gives Kristen Stewart another chance to be really uncomfortable on stage.  Also, Anna Kendrick is in this movie?  I knew I didn’t like her.

Johanna points out that the fact that Kendrick is in these Twilight movies might explain why she won the Best Breakout Star award earlier for Up in the Air.  Good call, Johanna!  Whoever this guy is that is accepting the award just got like the fifteenth unbleeped f-bomb past the censors.  Someone is going to be strongly reprimanded.

Final tally, 5-3 me.  And I think we’ve both stopped caring.  I’m not even sure if I kept score correctly this time.

Well, that was a tight two hours, but I still feel like it was a waste of my time.  From now on I’m sticking to the VMAs.

Good night, Aziz!

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