So, guess who stumbled across The Daytime Emmy Awards in the cable menu while setting up the DVR for the week? That’s right, me! The Daytime Emmys, everybody! I could not pass up this opportunity to have another winner-picking competition with Johanna. I mean, what other award show features categories like this:
OUTSTANDING SPECIAL CLASS SPECIAL
WE ARE ONE: THE OBAMA INAUGURAL CELEBRATION AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL
CLEAN HOUSE: THE MESSIEST HOME IN THE COUNTRY
THE STYLE NETWORK
ON THE EDGE: THE POVERTY CRISIS IN AFRICA
That’s right, Clean House up against Obama and poverty in Africa! Also, since when did Fox Reality Channel have shows about things like poverty in Africa? Neither of us has even heard of a lot of these shows, let alone see them, so our choices will be almost completely arbitrary. This is going to be more bonkers than our MTV Movie Award competition.
Believe it or not, not only was there not a printable ballot to be found online, I wasn’t even able to find a list of the categories than were going to actually be in the telecast. So I printed the huge list of unbelievably specific awards off of the Emmy site, and then set about eliminating all but the seemingly most important categories. I brought it down from sixty pages to a concise eight. We’ll find out together whether or not I chose the right categories.
Johanna has made a special cocktail for the occasion out of pear vodka, cranberry juice, and lemon. She’s calling it the “Bitch Slap.” It tastes delicious, but I’m going to give her the first hour of the show to punch up the name. Let’s get started. As always, categories and winners in bold.
9:00 – You know an award show is extra-classy when it comes to you live from beautiful downtown Las Vegas. They’re listing all the performers and presenters here, and outside of our host Regis Philbin, I think the biggest star is Simon Cowell. Chubby Checker???
I seriously might not make it through this. It’s shaping up to be the longest two hours of my life. Regis doesn’t have that much time left, why are we making him spend his evening this way?!
9:05 – I’m not going to say there is more plastic surgery here than at the real Emmys. I am just going to say that there is cheaper plastic surgery here than at the real Emmys.
9:07 – This show is on CBS, but they can’t even get Letterman to show up in person. This does not bode well.
9:09 – Here are a rejected extra from True Blood and Kelly Monaco to present Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. I could swear I’ve heard of Kelly Monaco, but I’m not sure why. Was she on that other show I don’t watch, Dancing with the Stars?
Johanna went with Arianne Zucker from Days of Our Lives, and I went with Beth Chamberlin from Guiding Light, because her character’s name is “Beth Raines Spaulding.” I love it when characters have the same name as the actor or actress portraying them, because I can only assume that it means that the actor/actress is too stupid to respond to a different name. Julie Pinson from As the World Turns wins, and we learn that her husband’s last name is Warlock.
9:11 – Inevitably, here’s Ryan Seacrest.
9:14 – And zombie Dick Clark!
9:15 – The Jersey Boys come on, and I start reaching for the remote to fast-forward. Johanna stops me, and then tells me that she wants to start going to see more musicals. I may regret watching this show.
9:16 – Here’s Marie Osmond. Johanna OKs the fast-forwarding.
9:21 – Now they’re playing recorded messages for Dick Clark from Simon Cowell and a bunch of the other celebrities that they had advertised as appearing on the show. Cheaters! They couldn’t even get the real Cher, they just got a drag queen impersonator!
9:28 – Billy Mays believes in OxyClean so much that he is selling it from beyond the grave! Come on, Anthony Sullivan, this is a bigger travesty than those DirecTV commercials with Chris Farley in them!
9:29 – Here comes Rachel Ray to bellow at me about something.
9:30 – What does The Lion King musical have to do with either The Daytime Emmys or the year 2010?
Also, I’ve never seen this musical. Is this weird doll actually how they represent Simba?
9:32 – Rachel’s back to present Best Supporting Actor in a Drama. Johanna went with Brian Kerwin from One Life to Live and I went with Jonathan Jackson from General Hospital because his character’s name is “Lucky.” Billy Miller from The Young and the Restless wins. Congratulations, Billy!
9:34 – Four people that look like they should be presenting at the AVN awards are here to present the nominees for Best Game Show.
I’m hoping to go outside the box here and pick Cash Cab over the old standards. I actually watch this show somewhat regularly, and while the contestants are always disappointingly slow, I keep watching because one of these times the surprise flashing lights at the beginning are going to give someone a heart attack. Johanna goes with an old favorite, Jeopardy. Cash Cab wins! Finally, a breakthrough! 1-0, I’m in the lead!
9:41 – This show really has its fingers on the pulse of cool. The Lion King musical AND Blue Man Group?!?
They’re here to present the nominees for Best Talk Show Informative, or as Johanna is calling it, Best Doctor Show. Johanna went with the Dr. Oz Show. Assuming that all of the people voting for this live in some bizarro universe, I decided to go with the LEAST informative show, and chose The Doctors. And it wins! Unbeliveable. That show is terrible and reprehensible. I’m up 2-0.
9:46 – Some soap opera people out to present Best Younger Actor or something that I assumed would not be televised and did not put on the ballot. My bad, Drew Tyler Bell.
9:48 – A couple of folks from As the World Turns are here to say goodbye to the long-running show. It’s been on since 1956, and I’ve managed to avoid seeing a single minute.
9:55 – Next up, the Talk Show Entertainment category. I went with The Ellen DeGeneres Show here, assuming Johanna would go with Live with Regis and Kelly since she has the hots for Philbin. I was wrong; she went with Ellen too. Ellen wins, and I’m still up, 3-1.
9:57 – The streak of presenters that I haven’t heard of stretches back to Seacrest, I think.
These guys are presenting another category I assumed would not be televised. Oops.
10:02 – Christ, we’re barely halfway through this thing. I know it’s the summer, but I can’t believe they are televising this in primetime.
10:06 – Streak broken, a presenter I recognize! Wayne Brady is here to present Best Lead Actress in a Drama, I think?
I’m not quite sure what the category is, I’m distracted the Cirque du’Soleil people.
No, it’s Best Drama Series Directing Team. I went with The Bold and the Beautiful, but Johanna sneaks a win with General Hospital. She’s getting closer. 3-2 me.
10:12 – Another person I’ve heard of, Montell Williams! Unfortunately, in this case, there is quite a large gap between “Jared has heard of him” and “he is at all culturally relevant.”
10:21 – Daytime Emmy ROYALTY. Susan Lucci, everybody.
10:34 – Wow, this is tedious even with me fast-forwarding through large chunks of it. Here’s Best Game Show Host. Johanna went with Wayne Brady, but now says “I regret that.” I decided in for a penny, in for a pound when it comes to Cash Cab, and went with host Ben Bailey. I’m feeling good when they announce the nominees, because he is the obvious crowd favorite. Ben Bailey wins! I’m sort of confused as to why the Emmy people chose Cash Cab to be their princess over all the other random game shows on television, but it could be worse. I should mention, I was really disappointed when I discovered that Ben Bailey is a former stand-up comedian, and not just a witty cab driver. 4-2 me.
*Outdated, clichéd Chappelle’s Show reference* “Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch?”
10:36 – Yawn. Best Drama Series Writing Team. Johanna goes with All My Children. I choose The Young and the Restless, because my sister used to watch it. The Bold and the Beautiful wins. “I thought that was supposed to be the worst of those shows,” says Johanna. I stare back at her blankly. Still 4-2 me.
10:38 – I would make fun of the fact that Jeff Foxworthy is the stand-up comedian who has sold the most records in history if not for the fact that my mom, sister, and I used to listen to his cassettes and laugh uproariously on road trips ALL THE TIME. I used to be a redneck.
He’s presenting Best Talk Show Host. Johanna and I both went with Regis and Kelly. I just used process of elimination; her reasons were based more on passion. Shockingly, Dr. Oz wins. AND HE COULD NOT BE HERE TONIGHT?! What? This is a travesty.
10:46 – Well, we’re back to a presenter I’ve neither seen nor heard of. Best Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Johanna went with James Scott from Days of Our Lives. I went with Jon Lindstrom from As the World Turns. Michael Park from As the World Turns wins. Still 4-2 me. Let’s move on.
10:47 – This is even more of a circle jerk than the Academy Awards or the primetime Emmys, right? I mean those people are full of themselves, too, but at least the outside world sort of cares. “These people really have no sense of the fact that they are just soap opera actors, do they?” says Johanna, having the same thoughts as me.
10:48 – Two more anonymous guys out to present Best Lead Actress in a Drama Series.
Johanna went with Crystal Chappell from Guiding Light. I could not resist the character name “Claudia Zacchara Corinthos,” so I went with Sarah Brown from General Hospital. And the “Emmy” goes to Maura West from As the World Turns. “I wish I’d known which of these shows was cancelled when I was making my picks,” pouts Johanna. Live and learn. Still 4-2 me.
10:55 – Regis is back out, this time with Susan Lucci. It’s time for the final televised award of the night, Best Drama Series. Again in honor of my sister, I went with They Young and the Restless, as did Johanna. The clips they show make me wish I’d gone with General Hospital, though.
The Bold and the Beautiful for what is apparently the second year in a row. That show is really firing on all cylinders! I guess?
At the end of the telecast, I remain up 4-2. A lot of the categories that I assumed would be televised were not, however, so I head to the internet to find out the winners.
Best Lifestyle/Culinary Host: Following my strategy of assuming the people voting for this are all terrible, I picked Best Lifestyle/Culinary Douche Bobby Flay (I do admit to occasionally enjoying Throwdown). Johanna went with the Queen of Savannah, Paula Deen. The winner is the Frigid Contessa, Ina Garten. 4-2.
Best Morning Program: I am never up this early, so I went with The Today Show, because I saw Get Him to the Greek tonight and Meredith Vieira is in it. Johanna also went with The Today Show, because, in her words, “The Today Show is by far the gold standard of morning television programming.” We’re both right. 5-3.
Best Lifestyle Program: I couldn’t help but pick The Martha Stewart Show here because Johanna and I used to watch it every single day and Martha is so delightfully awkward and stilted the whole time. She is not a host made for live television. Johanna picked Clean House. Martha wins! 6-3 me.
Best Culinary Program: I went with Giada at Home because I’m convinced that she is using vaguely sexual subliminal messages to sway Emmy votes. Johanna went with Giada as well. And she wins! You’re suckers, Emmy voters. 7-4 me.
Outstanding Children’s Series: I chose The Electric Company, mostly because I’m shocked it’s still on the air. Isn’t that from the seventies? I don’t even remember that from my own childhood. Johanna and I are really on the same wavelength tonight; she was feeling The Electric Company as well. And again, we’re both right. We’re doing much better with these untelevised categories. 8-5 me.
Outstanding Children’s Animated Program: I picked The Backyardigans because Curious George seemed too easy and I haven’t heard of the other two. Johanna, again, chose the same thing; I’m starting to think she was copying. Curious George won. Why I went against the only animated show for children that has Brian Grazer and Ron Howard as executive producers I’ll never know.
Final Score: 8 to 5. I win!
I hope you didn’t enjoy this, because there will not be a repeat performance in 2011. I barely made it out alive. Someone put a mirror in front of Regis’ mouth to make sure he’s still breathing.