OK, OK, I know what you’re thinking. When I did last year’s post on the MTV Movie Awards I said that it would be my last. It wasn’t the MOST useless award show I blogged about (that honor goes to the Daytime Emmys), but it definitely felt like a waste of time. But you know what? Apparently my time isn’t all that valuable, because here we are again.
As usual, my wife Johanna is mixing us a themed cocktail. Tonight she’s going with a somewhat hastily thrown together offshoot of the cosmopolitan. Some vodka, cranberry juice, and since we don’t have any orange liqueur and we live in North Carolina where the state-run liquor stores are closed on Sundays, orange juice. I KNOW, I KNOW, it’s not really a cosmopolitan, but in the wise words of Adam Sandler’s screenwriter, “Just go with it!” [DRINK UPDATE ALERT! I was later informed that, in addition to the previously listed ingredients, the drink contains blueberry-pomegranate juice, lime juice, and seltzer. Fancy!]
She chose this because it’s red, like blood, which is perfect because TWILIGHT!!!1!!!!11! Speaking of, did you guys see that Vanity Fair article about Robert Pattinson and how he is conflicted about his fame and his crazy fans and he can’t go to a bar without bringing in the police for crowd control and basically seems really depressed, but not in a cool goth vampire way, just in a sad human being way? Anywayzzz, Johanna named the drink the “Bloody Bella.”
Also as usual, we’ll be competing in a winner-picking competition. I’m pretty sure these awards are based entirely on online fan voting, which is always fun. Particularly when the people voting are in a completely different demographic than I am. I miss being in the 18-24 demo so much! It was a lot of fun. To paraphrase Kanye West, no one demo should have so much power. Particularly when it’s such a stupid demo. Remember how stupid we were? Yikes.
Categories and winners will be in bold. I’d like to ask you all to send your prayers and goodwill out into the world for Johanna, because she really needs the win. I’m worried she’s going to lose interest; she’s already threatening to boycott the ESPYs. The ESPYs! Can you imagine?
All right, let’s go! Take it away, Jason Sudeikis! I’ll just be sitting over here mentally preparing myself to hear my wife talk all night about how much of a crush she has on the host.
9:00 – MTV starts off on the wrong foot with me with the reminder that Chelsea Handler hosted the VMAs. You’re better than this, MTV! Oh, wait, no you’re not. I think I’ll zone out for this opening bit.
9:05 – Not as good as last year, MTV Movie Awards! I like you, Jason, but you’re no Aziz.
Also, no one in this audience cares enough about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infidelity to warrant one joke, let alone six of them or whatever you just did.
9:11 – Hey, it’s Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake being, you know, TOTALLY NORMAL.
Hey Mila, were you as creeped out as I was by the opening montage where they had Sudeikis and Taylor Lautner lustily staring at you while you had sex with Natalie Portman? That sure was creepy, huh? Anyway, they’re presenting Best Male Performance. Johanna and I both went with Robert Pattinson here, but I’m a little worried that he’ll split the vote with Lautner, and, like, Zac Efron or someone will win. But no, Robert Pattinson wins! TEAM EDWARD!!! We’re tied, 1-1.
So you might be surprised to hear obviously I’ve never seen any of these movies or read any of the books, but whoever was the casting agent on this project should at the very least be given an MTV Movie Bucket of Popcorn Award of his or her own, because RPatt here totally looks like a vampire in real life. I guess his paleness is an obvious side effect of the fact that he can’t leave the house without being swarmed by hordes of sad middle-aged receptionists.
Also, I just called Jesse Eisenberg “Jesse Eisenhower.” That’s what these award shows do to me. I’m falling to pieces before your very eyes.
9:14 – Here’s J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg, Elle Fanning, and the other kid from the upcoming Super 8 to present the award for introduce a trailer for the upcoming Super 8. Ok then. Now I’m going to get to hear Johanna talk about how hot Kyle Chandler is.
This is beneath you, Mr. Spielberg. Surely you don’t need to be here hyping this movie. Besides, it totes looks awesome. Add this to the ever-lengthening list of movies that I say I’m going to go see in the theater and then just end up Netflixing.
(Side note: My regular old local theater just got an IMAX screen! Crazy, right?)
9:21 – Here come Steve Carell, Emma Stone, and Ryan Gosling, all looking very attractive and well put-together. Are these three in a movie together or something? Add that to the aforementioned list!
They’re presenting Best Villain, to which Johanna says “Mickey Rourke? For real?” I went with Tom Felton, better known as Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies, and Johanna informs me that he won in this category last year. She went with Leighton Meester from The Roommate. Tom Felton wins, which is hilarious, because he is SUCH A TERRIBLE ACTOR! Right? Also weird looking, according to Johanna: “He’s no Ryan Gosling, that’s for sure.” 2-1, me.
9:24 – Here comes Jim Carrey. I’m going to decline to explain to you what is going on with his clothing here. Instead I’m going to tell you about how recently on a road trip I cracked Johanna up by, apropos of nothing, turning to her and saying “ALLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY THEN!” You know, from Ace Ventura? Boy am I hilarious!
He’s introducing Foo Fighters. Wowzers. Would one of you mind discretely telling MTV that its fly is open and 1996 is hanging out? I mean, Jim Carrey and Dave Grohl? I’m not exaggerating when I say that one of our previous presenters, Elle Fanning, was not even born yet the last time either of these things were even close to being relevant. Right?
As an added bonus, this song is super boring.
9:30 – How old is Sway now, like fifty? I mean, he doesn’t look it, but he has to be, right? His birthday is conspicuously absent from his Wikipedia page.
9:34 – LL Cool CE (Ladies Love Cool Chris Evans) is here to remind us to always text or something.
9:35 – COMEDY FUN TIMEZZZ! Danny McBride, Nick Swardsen, and Aziz Ansari, are here to bring the lulz, this time in the form of Aziz dressing up like Jaden Smith in The Karate Kid. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean, funny, but for like two seconds. I still love you, Aziz!
They’re presenting the classic category Best Jaw-Dropping Moment. For me it was probably either the “paintings being alive” scene or the “woman stabbing herself in the face with a nail file” scene from Black Swan, both of which really caused me to lose my shit. Unfortunately, they chose the skin-peeling scene from that movie for the nomination, so I went with Justin Bieber’s Performance Spectacular from Never Stop Beliebing, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bieber. Johanna chose the same. And the Biebster wins! He’s taking a break from the set of his new movie Lil’ Miami Vice. The score is 3-2 me.
“Never Say Never” plays and Johanna says in the slightest whisper “I like this song…”.
When I wrote about the VMAs last year, the video for “Baby” had 320 million views on YouTube. It currently sits at 558,431,727 views. Way to spend your time, America. “Soon to be 558,431,728 views!” says Johanna as she presses play.
9:45 – Here’s Shia Labeouf and the rest of the cast of the Even Stevens movie the remake of Can’t Buy Me Love Transformers 3? OK. Patrick Dempsey is in that movie? The Transformers movies could not exist and I’m pretty sure everything in my life would be exactly the same, except I wouldn’t have at one time put the first one in my Netflix queue, got it in the mail, and mailed it back without watching it.
They’re presenting Best Fight. We both went with that hugely memorable clash between Robert Pattinson, Bryce Dallas Howard and some guy I’ve never heard of in The Twilight Saga: Three Wolf Moon. It wins! HOWWLLLL! 4-3, me.
9:55 – OK, I think the less said about this movie theme song bit the better.
9:56 – Here comes Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. “Why have I always hated Ryan Reynolds?” says Johanna, “Is it just because he looks like Dane Cook?” She thinks for a minute and concludes with, “He’s pretty hot.”
They’re presenting Best Kiss. We both went with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart because YAWWWWWN. They win, obvz. I lead, 5-4.
10:01 – OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT YOU GUYS! EMMA WATSON IS HERE TO SHOW SOME OF IT TO US! LET’S FINISH THIS THE WAY WE STARTED, VOLDEMORT!
By the way, for once that totally wasn’t sarcastic.
10:07 – Here’s three people I’ve already mentioned tonight to, in the words of the announcer, “bestow” this year’s MTV Generation Award, whatever that is. Bestow, huh? How highfalutin of you! What is this, a Pulitzer? [Note to MTV producers: Don’t ask Robert Pattinson to adlib. Do you think he and Kristen Stewart ever make eye contact? Like, even during sex or whatever? Because they are the two most awkward people on Earth.]
They’re roasting bestowing the award on Reese Witherspoon. Good for you, Reese!
10:24 – All right, we’re in the homestretch! We are in the homestretch, right? Don’t tell me if we’re not yet in the homestretch. I couldn’t handle knowing that. This has been going on forever. Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel are here from the new movie Bad Teacher.
Is that movie going to be any good? Probably not, right? I mean, Cameron Diaz, you know? But it looks sort of funny.
They’re presenting Best Line From A Movie. Johanna went with the “You know what’s cool? A billion dollars” line from The Social Network. I stuck with that movie, but chose “If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you’d have invented Facebook,” because I totally use that line or variations of it ALL THE TIME. In daily life. Even when it makes no sense.
You know what wins, though? Are you sitting down? You should be sitting down for this. You are either going to faint or LOLOLOL. Ready? Some little girl saying “I want to get chocolate wasted” in Grown Ups. You know, Grown Ups, the Adam Sandler/David Spade/Chris Rock/Kevin James/Some Other People vehicle? Hilarious romp! Hijinks ensue! HAHAHAHAHA! What, you haven’t seen it? Me neither, obviously, because it was terrible. But lots of people did, and those are EXACTLY the type of people who vote in this apocalypse. Still 5-4 me.
10:30 – Whoa! A bunch of people just snuck past security and swarmed the stage. I don’t know who these people are, but they really want to tell us who won Best Scared-As-Shit Performance (Yup, THAT’s a category).
We both went with Minka Kelly-Jeter in The Roommate, but Ellen Page won for Inception. All right. Again, still 5-4 me.
Johanna usually has a project she’s working on when we watch these shows, since I’m constantly pausing to type and she gets bored. I’m not sure exactly what she’s working on tonight, but I can tell you that she just found a website that archives old episodes of MTV’s TRL and said “Oh my god. This is EXACTLY what I need!”
10:32 – Here comes Nicki Minaj and one of the guys from Mumford and Sons to present Best Female Performance. That seems like an odd pairing. Wait, what? You’re telling me that’s Ashton Kutcher? Whatever, it still seems like an odd pairing.
Johanna is still riding the Twilight wave and went with Kristen Stewart here. I went a bit out on a limb here and chose Emma Stone from Easy A. People liked that movie, right? Even though it was pretty bad? Because it was kind of bad, you guys. I think you might be mistaking charm for quality. Anyway, OH NO OH NO KRISTEN STEWART WON! Johanna pulls even with me! Yikes. We’re tied 5-5.
10:34 – Here are Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, and some girl named Katie Cassidy, I think? “That dress is kind of mess,” says Johanna, to which I reply “Which one?” I mean, seriously, look at this:
They’re introducing Lupe Fiasco. Selena Gomez says “Hands down my favorite rapper is Lupe Fiasco. He has a genius flow.” Now you know! I like Lupe a lot, as well, though. And this “Float On” sampling song is totes my jam right now.
10:43 – Jason Sudeikis is joined onstage by Jason Bateman and Charlie Day. I’m really happy Charlie Day is getting movies. I love everyone on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but he is clearly the funniest and most talented.
They’re presenting Best Comedic Performance. Johanna and I both went with Emma Stone here, and she agrees with me that Easy A was not that good. I wish I could change my vote now, though, because I pretty much guarantee that Adam Sandler wins this. But no! Emma Stone wins! Even if I don’t love that movie, I really like her. Still tied, 6-6.
10:47 – More Twilight. I’ll see you on the other side of this trailer, if we all make it out alive.
10:54 – And now for another totally normal thing: Gary Busey in a giant plastic bubble. Hey, why not?
He’s presenting Best Movie. We both went with Twilight because, as Johanna says, “I’m not an idiot.” Twilight wins, because it is totally a better movie than Black Swan, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, Inception, and The Social Network. We can all agree on that, right? Of course we can.
BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME
1. Citizen Kane
2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
3. The Godfather
So, as is becoming increasingly and annoyingly common, there are a couple of untelevised categories, this time Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star. Johanna chose Chloë Grace Moretz from Kick-Ass for both categories, while I went with Andrew Garfield and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And Chloë Grace Moretz wins both! Biggest Breakout Star? Last time I checked Lil’ Chloë hadn’t been cast as the new Spider-Man. Oh, well.
Anyway, you know what this means! Johanna wins! 8-6! We’ve been doing this for a year and a half and she’s only won once before this! Yay Johanna! She’s dancing around the apartment with our dog Ernie. Hopefully this means she’s back on for the ESPYs.
So, I’m not going to say that I won’t do this again next year, but that was not so good. I am a both a big apologist for award show hosts and a big fan of Jason Sudeikis, but that was a pretty poor showing. Something tells me he won’t be hosting any more award shows any time soon.
Also, I think I figured out why I don’t like writing about this show. I like to mix some positivity and happiness in with my sarcasm and snark in these entries, and there really isn’t much to be positive about here. I really don’t like or don’t care about a lot of this stuff. Oh well, I’d be crazy to pass up an opportunity to devote an evening and 2600 words to The MTV Movie Awards, right? What a great use of my college education! See you next time!