The Super Bowl, 2011

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OK, wait, just for one second let’s talk about the Puppy Bowl.  Did you guys see Two Face?  He was clearly the best and my favorite because he just wants to chill.

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I’m also probably going to be good friends with Oliver (and maybe his brother River) because we share a love of movies.

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But anyway, the Super Bowl.  So, this seems like it’s going to be a good game.  Most people that I’ve heard have been picking the Packers to win, but they aren’t huge favorites.  It should be close.  Plus, both the Packers and the Steelers have huge fanbases and storied histories.  There is a lot going on here.  And somehow, I absolutely could not care less.  I can’t remember the last time I was this uninterested in this game.

My desire to watch it is also hurt by the fact that the television rights this year belong to FOX, which means this is going to be really overproduced and will constantly pander to the lowest common denominator.  And will feature a robot.

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We’re starting off strong here in the pandering department.  After renditions of multiple patriotic songs we’re going to have Mikey Douglas run us through American history.  Because, you know, football.

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He narrates over some clips of the seminal moments in our country’s past, like the time that Irish guy used our flag as the lining for his jacket.

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And the time that British guy got killed.

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This is terrible.  FOX is so bad at this.  The league should just let NFL films do all these montages and then sell the whole thing to the networks as a package; those gentlemen know how to be evocative.  And know how to not do things like this:

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Anyway, enough of that.  Quick question: are you ready for some football?

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I’m not even sure whom I’m rooting for here.  I’m vaguely in the ballpark of being a Bears fan, I guess, and I certainly don’t like the Packers, but, as my wife just pointed out, most of that hatred was Brett Favre-related.  Aaron Rodgers is pretty likable.  Certainly more likable than Ben Roethlisberger.  Also, the Packers have a player with the last name “Zombo,” and that’s awesome.

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I think I might be rooting for the Packers.  And just when I realized that, they scored their first touchdown.  So that’s settled.

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The commercials during the first quarter were all pretty terrible and I was complaining about them and then started slipping into a shame spiral, because, like, why do I care about Super Bowl commercials?  All I do is make fun of how stupid they are.  I shouldn’t even be buying into the idea of Super Bowl commercials being a “thing” and something worth watching and worth making lists of the best of all time and televising those lists in primetime and everything.  But then these two aired back-to-back and I liked them both quite a bit, at least as far as Super Bowl commercials go.

A nice reprieve from the Bud Light/Miller Lite race to the bottom.  Advertising, everybody!  I can’t help but love it.

Celebrity “fan” montage alert!  First, here’s depressingly boring film director Ron Howard with some guy who, judging from his hat, is a fan of the fictional “N” team.

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Next up, John Travolta, who came all the way from the planet Teegeeack.

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Just kidding, guys!  I obviously know that Teegeeack is just another name for Earth.  I don’t go to Scientology church EVERY Sunday, but I’m totally like an OT VI.

Are these two a thing?  Gross.

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Now look at this doozy.  This picture is worth like a trillion words.

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There’s W.  Laura W.  John “I’m still learning how to use my phone” Madden.  Condi “I prefer to have at least one seat between myself and John Madden” Rice.  Catherine and Michael Douglas-Zeta-Jones.  And the Kutch.  Wow.  No wonder it looks like the kid in the cheesehead is in shock.

Another good commercial, this time from Volkswagen.

This has been all over Facebook and Twitter for the past week, and I can’t help but feel like it lacked a bit of punch because of that.  Still great though, and likely the best commercial of the night.

I also like this one, because monkeys (I know, I know, apes).

When the second chimp clipped the guy’s car while pulling into his parking spot?  Yeah, I laughed so loudly at that, for no real reason, that my wife looked at me disgustedly.  Any Super Bowl commercial that doesn’t have chimpanzees in it is really only fulfilling like 70% of its potential.

I want to go on record, right now, and say that if this commercial does for Roseanne what its predecessor did for Betty White, I will be very unhappy.

I mean, have you seen this:

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No thanks.

Well, the Steelers just scored their first touchdown.  Thank god.  This was starting to be a terrible game, and I was worried that people were lying to me when they said it was going to be a good game.

American Idol commercial.  You guys watching the Idz this year?  I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t watched the past few years, and I’ve only seen about half of the episodes this year, but I sort of really enjoyed them.  J. Lo and Steve Ty are actually both pretty good on television.  I was worried that Steven Tyler would be too much of a trainwreck, but he seems to be just the right amount of trainwreck, and Jennifer Lopez seems warm and kind of funny and very gorgeous.  It seems like we all collectively forgot that she was really good looking and now she’s on FOX in HD every week and we’re all like, “Oh yeah, this person is stunningly beautiful.  I knew that there was a reason she was really famous.”

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Halftime.  I’m considering going radio silent here.  I mean, there is no joke or comment I can make about the Black Eyed Peas that hasn’t been made a thousand times before, right?  We’ll see how things develop.

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Is it possible that Michael Strahan is playing up his lisp?  It seems more pronounced than it was during his playing days.  Maybe this is his attempt at creating a brand for himself?

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I just looked up from my computer and this was on the screen:

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Radio silence cancelled.  WTFWTFWTF.

Can anyone explain to me will.i.am’s fascination with plastic hair?  Johanna is speculating that he might actually think he’s from outer space.

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Remember when he was a hologram?

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“When did Slash show up?” – Johanna

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Fergie sounds really terrible.  I mean, like I said, I hesitate to even talk about this, because hating on the Black Eyed Peas is as easy as supporting the troops, but she is a terrible singer.  This is particularly odd considering they basically just auditioned people for her role, right?  They could have picked a good singer.

Usher’s here!  This is a welcome development.  I don’t, unfortunately, like his new song at all, but he’s an improvement on the Black Eyed Peas.  Slash was an improvement on the Black Eyed Peas.

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People weren’t lying earlier!  This game has actually gotten really good!  I’ve been so busy watching football that I haven’t had any time to make dumb blog jokes about stuff.  It’s like I’m doing that thing people talk about where you just live life instead of trying to obsessively document every second of it.

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Which is more bizarre, in your opinion: Stella Artois’ choice of Adrien Brody as their spokescreep, or Adrien Brody’s choice of accent to use in this commercial?

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I enjoy the fact that Eminem is in two commercials during this Super Bowl, and in one of them he talks about how he doesn’t really do commercials.  A man of integrity, that Marshall Mathers.

Check out the spread Johanna and I had last year:

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This year?  Nothing.  We’re planning on making quesadillas, but it had to wait until Johanna finishes her homework, so we’ve only just begun.  Accompanying the quesadillas will be this seasonally-inappropriate beer that we’ve had sitting in our fridge:

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Have you guys ever noticed that Troy Aikman looks a lot like Thomas Haden Church?

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I mention this to Johanna and she replies, “Oh, he’s MUCH more attractive than Thomas Haden Church.”  Someone has a crush on QB1.

Time for the fourth quarter, and time for quesadillas.  I’m pausing the blog.

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Blog unpaused.  Green Bay scores and my emotions reveal to me that I had briefly started rooting for the Steelers.  When I’m watching a game and don’t have a vested interest in either team, I can’t help myself but root for whomever is behind.

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The Steelers convert the two-point play!  That was a fun sequence to watch.  Speaking of fun football, remember when the Saints started the second half with an onside kick last year?  I was rooting for the Colts, but that was great.

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OK, straight talk time, folks.  Let’s leave aside the general creepiness of Go Daddy ads and the weirdos watching them who are really into Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels (really?) and all that.  I’m tabling that issue.  But if you are a person who thinks you are going to see nude photos and/or video of either of those two ladies if you go to Godaddy.com to watch the “uncensored” version of the ad, you are a fucking idiot.  I don’t like to curse on my blog that much, but in this case it’s warranted.  You do not understand how Earth works.  You need remedial Earth lessons.

Game over.  Packers win!  That was a pretty good game, I suppose.  Perhaps lacking in massively dramatic helmet catch-esque moments, but it was close, at least, and there were a lot of minor dramatic moments.  I’m just glad Ben Roethlisberger didn’t get a third ring.

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I love how they give multi-millionaires crappy, ugly, American cars like this Camaro every year.  If Aaron Rodgers actually starts driving this thing around Wisconsin he needs to get his priorities straight.

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All right, let’s wrap things up.  Good job, Super Bowl!  I would say both the game and the commercials were like a seven out of ten, but nothing all that memorable happened over the past four hours.

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Regardless, this has all just been a long, elaborate pre-game show for the real main event of the evening A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF GLEE!!11!1

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HAHAHAHAJK!  Nope.  Good night, everybody!

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4 thoughts on “The Super Bowl, 2011

    • To be honest, I missed most of that commercial because I spent the entire thing wondering if the implied sex joke in the title was purposefully implied, or if it was just supposed to be a funny line and I’m just gross.

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