The ESPYs, 2011

July 14, 2011July 17, 2011 / Jared / Leave a comment

Prior to blogging about last year’s show I had never bothered to watch the ESPYs. I mean, it’s the ESPYs, right? Come on, ESPN, the ESPYs? What a stupid name!! Plus, why do we need an award show for sports? I’m pretty sure we already have awards for sports. You know, like MVPs and championships.

But then I watched them, and wow, it was a lot of fun! Mostly because of all the great montages. I love a good montage, and ESPN is really good at putting them together. Plus, Seth Meyers is hosting, there is sure to be a bunch of weird, awkward celebrity/athlete pairings, and it’s a slow Wednesday night. What else do I have going on? I’m in.

The ESPYs are also perfect for the award show winner-picking competition between my wife Johanna and I, because she has absolutely no idea what’s going on. She claimed not to have heard of any of the boxers until I pronounced Manny Pacquiao’s name for her, and she’s currently Googling the names in the “Best Jockey” category. As I said last year, if I don’t win this one, it’ll be embarrassing.

As always, in addition to blindly picking a “Best Bowler,” she is also in charge of making us a themed cocktail for the evening. She’s whipping something up with gin, lemonade, and a splash each of cranberry juice and sparkling water and calling it the “Derrick Rosé” in honor of the man who has managed to steal the title of “Jared’s Sports Crush” away from Albert Pujols.

Categories and winners are in bold, and I’ll be keeping score as we go along. Let’s get started. Play ball! Kickoff! Tip off! Puck drop, or whatever!

9:01 – You know you’re watching a seriously classy event when it’s sponsored by a motor oil.

Continue reading →

The Super Bowl, 2011

February 7, 2011February 13, 2011 / Jared / 4 Comments

OK, wait, just for one second let’s talk about the Puppy Bowl. Did you guys see Two Face? He was clearly the best and my favorite because he just wants to chill.

I’m also probably going to be good friends with Oliver (and maybe his brother River) because we share a love of movies.

But anyway, the Super Bowl. So, this seems like it’s going to be a good game. Most people that I’ve heard have been picking the Packers to win, but they aren’t huge favorites. It should be close. Plus, both the Packers and the Steelers have huge fanbases and storied histories. There is a lot going on here. And somehow, I absolutely could not care less. I can’t remember the last time I was this uninterested in this game.

My desire to watch it is also hurt by the fact that the television rights this year belong to FOX, which means this is going to be really overproduced and will constantly pander to the lowest common denominator. And will feature a robot.

Continue reading →

The unparalleled sports coverage of the New York Times.

January 16, 2011January 23, 2011 / Jared / Leave a comment

The New York Times proves once again that it only pretends to like sports:

Because on game day what we all really want to read is an analysis of the opposing quarterbacks’ personal styles. At least the Jets vs. Patriots preview coverage features players that are currently alive. For the Chicago Bears they’re transporting us all the way back to the Great Depression.

I suspect that they run stories like this because they still regret their adoption of color photography back in 1997.

Someone should tell the editors that when you’re talking football you need to tap into fans’ deep-rooted anger, aggression, and bloodlust. The New York Post gets it.

Columnist Steve Serby considers anything short of the literal decapitation of the opposing team’s coach and quarterback to be a failure, regardless of the score.

At the very least, The New York Times needs to employ more pun headlines. ESPN has at least twelve people on their pun-writing staff at all times. Look at the gem they came up with today:

I think they might also need to hire a pun ombudsman; that headline can’t possibly be considered up to their standards of journalistic integrity. It took me a full minute to even realize that it was a play on “fair-weather friends.”

New York Times, I love you, but you’re doing it wrong.

The ESPYs, 2010

July 15, 2010February 16, 2011 / Jared / 4 Comments

So, I’ve never watched the ESPYs. I’ve actually never even thought about watching the ESPYs. I doubt I know anyone who has watched the ESPYs. They’re a non-event, kind of like the Daytime Emmys, except they seem even more artificial and tacky. (Note: I spent about five minutes trying to think of a joke about an imaginary Daytime ESPYs and came up empty. This is how I spend my time.)

That said, Johanna and I must soldier on in our 2010 award show winner-picking competition, so we’re going to slog through it. Luckily, Seth Meyers is hosting. Also, there will undoubtedly be ridiculously dressed athletes. And, as Bill Simmons always points out, women in high heels who are not used to wearing high heels. So that’s fun.

Let’s get this started. In the sporting, masculine spirit of the evening, Johanna and I will be sharing a bottle of 2009 D’Autrefois Pinot Noir Rosé. As always, categories and winners in bold.

9:00 – Picking winners in these categories was really hard; this has been a crazy exciting and dramatic sports year. Great Super Bowl, amazing March Madness, Phil Mickelson defeating his wife’s cancer at the Masters, a super-long tennis match, perfect games and no hitters, Celtics vs. Lakers, the World Cup. The Olympics were sort of meh, but hey, it’s still the Olympics.

Continue reading →

The Super Bowl, 2010

February 7, 2010May 10, 2010 / Jared / 4 Comments

6:18 – Queen Latifah kicks off formal activities with “America the Beautiful.” When did we decide that we need to sing this in addition to “The Star-Spangled Banner”? Maybe we just all secretly think it’s a better song.

Anyway, the pizza Johanna and I ordered has arrived, so our spread is complete.

6:25 – Our first big commercial of the night, a remake of a classic. Dwight Howard and LeBron James are infinitely better at acting natural than Larry Bird and Michael Jordan were in the original.

Continue reading →