The Emmys, 2011

September 19, 2011September 20, 2011 / Jared / 3 Comments

So, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the Emmys. I always get excited for them because I love quite a bit of television, and quite a bit of the television that I love gets nominated. But there are always one or two nominees in each category that (even though MAYBE I’ve never actually watched the show SO SUE ME) are clearly not worthy. And, more often than not, one of those two nominees ends up winning. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if Johnny Galecki won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy this year. JUST KIDDING even the Emmys wouldn’t go that far, I mean it’s JOHNNY GALECKI lolz gimme a break! If that happened I would expect the Emmys to receive an Emmy nomination for Best Comedy next year! Get it?? Wocka wocka wocka!

So usually I start out excited, slowly lose my enthusiasm after some mind-numbingly bad award choices, and by the end of the night I’m a disillusioned husk of a man. OK, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, because I don’t really care all that much, but you get my point.

As usual, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in a winner-picking competition. She’s trying not to over-think things tonight and keeps muttering things like, “I refuse to base my self-worth on this. I am an adult with a job.” She is also going to fulfill her role as bartender for the evening. We very recently found out that we will be moving from North Carolina back to Boston soon so that she can start the aforementioned job. In honor of both Game of Thrones and the impending New England blizzards that we’re dreading, she has concocted a drink made up of vanilla-flavored vodka and seltzer that she’s calling “Winter is Coming.” Yummerz? We’ll see.

OK, let’s get this thing started. Time to hype ourselves up for another bloated award show! Repeat after me: “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!”

8:01 – Fun (??) opening musical number! Oh, Jane Lynch. In just a couple short years I’ve gone from liking you a lot to still liking you but being annoyed at your overexposure because of Glee to kind of maybe not even liking you anymore? But this bit is pretty winning. Maybe you’ll redeem yourself in my eyes tonight! And I know my opinion is all that really matters to you, Jane.

Continue reading →

The Emmys, 2010

August 30, 2010November 12, 2010 / Jared / 1 Comment

Here we are again. Another award show, another winner-picking competition between me and my new wife, Johanna. And after slogging through a few shows that, while fun, were ultimately inconsequential (The ESPYs, The Daytime Emmys, and the MTV Movie Awards) we finally have a big one: The Emmys.

This has traditionally been my award show of choice; I’ve always been more of a television guy than a movie guy, I guess. Plus, I don’t usually get around to seeing many of the nominated films before the Oscars, whereas I’m always pretty invested in the Emmys and opinionated about the categories. It feels like the recent golden age of television has faded a bit, and my interest has waned slightly, but this remains my favorite masturbatory Hollywood event.

Tonight is big for Johanna, too. My friend Alex, in anticipation of tonight’s competition, asked me if Johanna had won any of these. I quickly said that yes, she had. While I knew I had taken the last few, I thought we were actually pretty even. Having gone back to check, though, I’m surprised to report that I won The Grammys, The Academy Awards, The MTV Movie Awards, The Daytime Emmys, and The ESPYs, with Johanna only claiming the Golden Globes, the first one of these we did. I’m up five to one! She needs a win. In preparation, she’s been scouring the internet for expert predictions.

As always, we choose for the most part whom we think will win, not whom we want to win. Never is that more true than with the Emmys; trust me, I’m no fan of The Good Wife or, heaven forbid, Glee. Categories and winners are in bold. Johanna has concocted an Emmy cocktail containing peach vodka, Sprite Zero, and a splash of grenadine. She’s named it the “Leading Lady.” It’s better, both in name and taste, than the drink she fixed us for the Daytime Emmys. Let’s do this.

7:41 – Taco night is over, the red carpet has begun, and I’m filling out my ballot. All of these interviews are so unbelievably awkward and cringe-worthy. I instinctively reach for the mute button.

8:00 – Here we go. We’re opening with a shot of the director’s booth. This is such an ego move; it’s like they think we’ll assume the show was put together by elves if they don’t show themselves. Johanna just thinks it’s hacky and compares it to starting a school paper with a Webster’s definition.

Continue reading →

The Daytime Emmy Awards, 2010

June 28, 2010August 28, 2010 / Jared / 1 Comment

So, guess who stumbled across The Daytime Emmy Awards in the cable menu while setting up the DVR for the week? That’s right, me! The Daytime Emmys, everybody! I could not pass up this opportunity to have another winner-picking competition with Johanna. I mean, what other award show features categories like this:

OUTSTANDING SPECIAL CLASS SPECIAL

WE ARE ONE: THE OBAMA INAUGURAL CELEBRATION AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL
HBO
CLEAN HOUSE: THE MESSIEST HOME IN THE COUNTRY
THE STYLE NETWORK

ON THE EDGE: THE POVERTY CRISIS IN AFRICA
FOX REALITY

That’s right, Clean House up against Obama and poverty in Africa! Also, since when did Fox Reality Channel have shows about things like poverty in Africa? Neither of us has even heard of a lot of these shows, let alone see them, so our choices will be almost completely arbitrary. This is going to be more bonkers than our MTV Movie Award competition.

Believe it or not, not only was there not a printable ballot to be found online, I wasn’t even able to find a list of the categories than were going to actually be in the telecast. So I printed the huge list of unbelievably specific awards off of the Emmy site, and then set about eliminating all but the seemingly most important categories. I brought it down from sixty pages to a concise eight. We’ll find out together whether or not I chose the right categories.

Johanna has made a special cocktail for the occasion out of pear vodka, cranberry juice, and lemon. She’s calling it the “Bitch Slap.” It tastes delicious, but I’m going to give her the first hour of the show to punch up the name. Let’s get started. As always, categories and winners in bold.

9:00 – You know an award show is extra-classy when it comes to you live from beautiful downtown Las Vegas. They’re listing all the performers and presenters here, and outside of our host Regis Philbin, I think the biggest star is Simon Cowell. Chubby Checker???

Continue reading →