awards

The MTV VMAs, 2010

/ Jared / 3 Comments

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The VMAs!  I actually didn’t watch them live last year and then regretted it when I ended up spending the next afternoon catching up on the videos of the bonkers performances online and reading all about the Kanye backlash.  I was assuming that MTV and I had mostly diverged in our musical tastes and was overlooking the fact that this isn’t really about the awards, it’s about the spectacle.

Now, with the long-running award show winner-picking competition between Johanna and me, there’s absolutely no way I could miss it.  Filling out our ballots proved relatively difficult.  We both employed a strategy of spreading the awards around to as many artists as possible, because we figure the whole thing is rigged and MTV is going to want to get as many people as possible up on stage.  So, I basically just picked randomly.

Let’s roll.  Since this is the VMAs, Johanna has tried to mix us a cocktail that a young person might enjoy.  She’s combined vanilla vodka with Diet Coke, and we’re drinking it out of glasses we appropriated from our favorite bar in college, Jimmy’s Woodlawn Tap.  She initially wanted to call it the Sorority Slut, but we workshopped it and came up with the Mean Girl, which is more fittingly high school.  As always, categories and winners in bold.  Also, I unfortunately don’t have MTV in HD, so these photos look awful.  Apologies.

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One last thing.  I’m going on record early here saying that I guarantee they have Taylor Swift “interrupt” Kanye’s performance.  It’s going to be awesome.

8:19 – I have the pre-show white carpet on in the background (yes, white carpet), and all of the sudden Sway starts giving out awards!  WTF?!

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The Emmys, 2010

/ Jared / 1 Comment

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Here we are again.  Another award show, another winner-picking competition between me and my new wife, Johanna.  And after slogging through a few shows that, while fun, were ultimately inconsequential (The ESPYs, The Daytime Emmys, and the MTV Movie Awards) we finally have a big one: The Emmys.

This has traditionally been my award show of choice; I’ve always been more of a television guy than a movie guy, I guess.  Plus, I don’t usually get around to seeing many of the nominated films before the Oscars, whereas I’m always pretty invested in the Emmys and opinionated about the categories.  It feels like the recent golden age of television has faded a bit, and my interest has waned slightly, but this remains my favorite masturbatory Hollywood event.

Tonight is big for Johanna, too.  My friend Alex, in anticipation of tonight’s competition, asked me if Johanna had won any of these.  I quickly said that yes, she had.  While I knew I had taken the last few, I thought we were actually pretty even.  Having gone back to check, though, I’m surprised to report that I won The Grammys, The Academy Awards, The MTV Movie Awards, The Daytime Emmys, and The ESPYs, with Johanna only claiming the Golden Globes, the first one of these we did.  I’m up five to one!  She needs a win.  In preparation, she’s been scouring the internet for expert predictions.

As always, we choose for the most part whom we think will win, not whom we want to win.  Never is that more true than with the Emmys; trust me, I’m no fan of The Good Wife or, heaven forbid, Glee.  Categories and winners are in bold.  Johanna has concocted an Emmy cocktail containing peach vodka, Sprite Zero, and a splash of grenadine.  She’s named it the “Leading Lady.”  It’s better, both in name and taste, than the drink she fixed us for the Daytime Emmys.  Let’s do this.

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7:41 – Taco night is over, the red carpet has begun, and I’m filling out my ballot.  All of these interviews are so unbelievably awkward and cringe-worthy.  I instinctively reach for the mute button.

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8:00 – Here we go.  We’re opening with a shot of the director’s booth.  This is such an ego move; it’s like they think we’ll assume the show was put together by elves if they don’t show themselves.  Johanna just thinks it’s hacky and compares it to starting a school paper with a Webster’s definition.

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The ESPYs, 2010

/ Jared / 4 Comments

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So, I’ve never watched the ESPYs.  I’ve actually never even thought about watching the ESPYs.  I doubt I know anyone who has watched the ESPYs.  They’re a non-event, kind of like the Daytime Emmys, except they seem even more artificial and tacky.  (Note: I spent about five minutes trying to think of a joke about an imaginary Daytime ESPYs and came up empty.  This is how I spend my time.)

That said, Johanna and I must soldier on in our 2010 award show winner-picking competition, so we’re going to slog through it.  Luckily, Seth Meyers is hosting.  Also, there will undoubtedly be ridiculously dressed athletes.  And, as Bill Simmons always points out, women in high heels who are not used to wearing high heels.  So that’s fun.

Let’s get this started.  In the sporting, masculine spirit of the evening, Johanna and I will be sharing a bottle of 2009 D’Autrefois Pinot Noir Rosé.  As always, categories and winners in bold.

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9:00 – Picking winners in these categories was really hard; this has been a crazy exciting and dramatic sports year.  Great Super Bowl, amazing March Madness, Phil Mickelson defeating his wife’s cancer at the Masters, a super-long tennis match, perfect games and no hitters, Celtics vs. Lakers, the World Cup.  The Olympics were sort of meh, but hey, it’s still the Olympics.

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The Daytime Emmy Awards, 2010

/ Jared / 1 Comment

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So, guess who stumbled across The Daytime Emmy Awards in the cable menu while setting up the DVR for the week?  That’s right, me!  The Daytime Emmys, everybody!  I could not pass up this opportunity to have another winner-picking competition with Johanna.  I mean, what other award show features categories like this:

OUTSTANDING SPECIAL CLASS SPECIAL

WE ARE ONE: THE OBAMA INAUGURAL CELEBRATION AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL
HBO
CLEAN HOUSE: THE MESSIEST HOME IN THE COUNTRY
THE STYLE NETWORK

ON THE EDGE: THE POVERTY CRISIS IN AFRICA
FOX REALITY

That’s right, Clean House up against Obama and poverty in Africa!  Also, since when did Fox Reality Channel have shows about things like poverty in Africa?  Neither of us has even heard of a lot of these shows, let alone see them, so our choices will be almost completely arbitrary.  This is going to be more bonkers than our MTV Movie Award competition.

Believe it or not, not only was there not a printable ballot to be found online, I wasn’t even able to find a list of the categories than were going to actually be in the telecast.  So I printed the huge list of unbelievably specific awards off of the Emmy site, and then set about eliminating all but the seemingly most important categories.  I brought it down from sixty pages to a concise eight.  We’ll find out together whether or not I chose the right categories.

Johanna has made a special cocktail for the occasion out of pear vodka, cranberry juice, and lemon.  She’s calling it the “Bitch Slap.”  It tastes delicious, but I’m going to give her the first hour of the show to punch up the name.  Let’s get started.  As always, categories and winners in bold.

9:00 – You know an award show is extra-classy when it comes to you live from beautiful downtown Las Vegas.  They’re listing all the performers and presenters here, and outside of our host Regis Philbin, I think the biggest star is Simon Cowell.  Chubby Checker???

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The MTV Movie Awards, 2010

/ Jared / 2 Comments

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I don’t usually watch the MTV Movie Awards.  It’s not like I think I’m too good for it; I love these MTV train wrecks and was really upset when I realized I had missed the most recent VMAs and had to watch it online.  But the Movie Awards show just isn’t usually on my radar.

This time around, though, Aziz Ansari is hosting, and since I am both a fan and a Twitter follower of his, I’ve been looking forward to this.  As I was setting it up on the DVR it occurred to me that I should compete with Johanna in a winner-picking competition like we’ve done in the past with the Oscars, Grammys, and Golden Globes.  I went looking for a ballot online, but shockingly was unable to find one.  I guess not as many people participate in office pools for the MTV Movie Awards as they do for some of the other awards shows.  I decided to make my own ballot, so I went to the MTV site and looked up the categories.  And that’s when I really got excited about this.

Best WTF Moment.  Biggest Badass Star.  Best Scared-As-S**t Performance (MTV’s asterisks, not mine).  Plus, I’m pretty sure that the winners were all determined by online polls.  So, to correctly pick winners, I have to put myself in the mindset of a fifteen-year-old girl.  I haven’t even heard of some of these movies, let alone seen them.  This is going to be epic.

Just a warning, my usual strategy of taking photos of my actual television for these live events works out even worse when the show is not in HD.  And Time Warner Cable down here does not have MTVHD.

Let’s get started.  As always, categories and winners in bold.

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The Academy Awards, 2010

/ Jared / 1 Comment

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Johanna and I are sitting here in a nearly empty apartment.  This is our last night in our current place, and all of our possessions, other than our larger pieces of furniture, are already over at the new digs.  Even the dog is gone; we’re boarding him for the night so he won’t be underfoot tomorrow when we’re trying to load up the U-Haul.  It’s the first night I’ve spent apart from him.

Moving is never fun, especially for a couple of worriers like Johanna and me.  There are always a thousand things to stress about, and the worst always seems to happen for us.  This time we’re particularly bothered by the fact that it seems like someone is planning on paving our dirt road tomorrow, which could make it difficult to get the truck in and out.

Anyway, because of all of this, I was particularly looking forward to the Oscars tonight.  We’ve ordered a pizza, I’ve poured a scotch, and I’m just going to relax and fantasize about being settled in at the new place.

If you read my Grammy or Golden Globe entries, you know that Johanna and I like to fill out ballots beforehand and compete in a winner-picking contest.  Johanna snuck out a victory in the last category of the night in the Golden Globes, and I pulled off an untelevised category win in the Grammys, so we’re currently tied, one to one.  Nothing like the Academy Awards to settle things for us.  Unfortunately, we both read the same predictions online, so we’re either going to tie, or one of us will win based on our short documentary pick.  Let’s get this started.  Categories and winners in bold.  I’ll add some video later if I can find it.

8:00 – We have a weird opening here as all of the best actor and actress nominees stroll out together.  That was odd and masturbatory, but those two words describe a lot about the Oscars.

8:02 – Now here comes Neil Patrick Harris to sing a song for no reason.  God, Hollywood loves this guy.  So do I, though, so it’s cool.  But shouldn’t we be opening with the hosts?

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8:04 – I’m a huge fan of both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, and I’m sure they’ll be funny.  I’m going to go out on a limb here, though, and say that at the end of the night I’m probably going to feel like it would have been better if the Academy had just picked one of them and ran with it.

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The Grammys, 2010

/ Jared / 4 Comments

Last year was the first time in forever that I actually watched the Grammys.  I was drawn in by the commercials advertising the killer lineup of performances, and it pretty much lived up to the hype.  It was worth sitting through the whole show just to see Radiohead play with the USC marching band. Plus, there was all the Rihanna/Chris Brown drama to follow.

This year I don’t think I saw a single commercial for it.  So that doesn’t bode well.  Plus, I printed out the ballot, and it is just ridiculously bad.  I’ll discuss in detail as we slog through this train wreck, but it almost seems like they are trying to piss people off with their nominees.

Anyway, Johanna and I will be competing again in a winner picking game.  As usual, I pick who I think is going to win, not who should win (in a lot of these categories, none of the nominees deserve to win).  Out of principle, I did not just pick Taylor Swift in every category, even though she’ll probably sweep the night.  I did, however, pick a Marley in two separate categories.  Let’s get it started.  Categories and winners in bold.

8:01 – “Oh Jesus,” says Johanna as Lady Gaga kicks off the night.  This is a little too Broadway for my tastes, but God bless her.  She looks like a character from Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland. I should also say here that I’m really surprised that they didn’t start with some Michael Jackson thing.  I guess MTV stole their thunder.

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8:04 – “Everybody’s going googoo for Gaga,” says the weird emcee.  And now here she comes on some weird double piano with Sir Elton John.  WTF is going on right now?  This is like if Disney Imagineers were trying to show me what an acid trip would be like.  Again, God bless her.  She is talented.  She deserves to win in all four categories in which she’s nominated tonight, but I doubt that will happen.

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The Golden Globes, 2010

/ Jared / 4 Comments

Ah, The Golden Globes, a time for dressing up and drinking single malt Scotch.

Johanna and I were on a big delay for the event, due to other activities, and also due to the fact that we wanted to be able to fast-forward through all of the commercials.  Just as we were sitting down to start it I got a text from my friend Mike that, while ruining one of the winners for me, gave me the idea of (not really live) live-blogging the event.  So thanks, Mike!  Here are my thoughts, along with exciting updates about my winner-picking competition with Johanna (all times listed are Eastern Time Zone, and not when I actually watched it; not only did we start it late, I had to pause it every ten minutes or so to try to find the mouse that we keep hearing in our kitchen).

8:00-8:04 – A nice open from Ricky Gervais.  Even if I weren’t such a big fan of his I would applaud his selection as host.  He’s exactly what these things need, someone who has no interests to protect and no problem poking fun.  His jokes seem to be hitting with the audience, but it’s almost like it’s canned laughter or something, because the wide shots of the big stars up front aren’t revealing too many smiles.  Maybe the laughter is coming from the people in the back.  Hollywood, as always, taking itself too seriously.

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