Ridiculous DVDs

Ridiculous DVDs

Were you to walk into the living room of my apartment, it’s likely that one of the first things to draw your eye would be the massive, seven-foot-tall DVD shelf.  I’ve always been vaguely uncomfortable with it.  Having that many DVDs on display and out in the open like that has always seemed a bit tacky.  Besides, as we all get more comfortable with digital media and hard copies of things become sort of unnecessary, having as large of a DVD library as my wife and I do is almost embarrassing.

Were you to actually approach the shelf, however, things would really start to get embarrassing for me.  Impulse purchases and rash decisions abound.  There is nearly as much chaff as there is wheat.  Both my wife Johanna and I own movies that not only are we not likely to watch again, we didn’t even really like them the first time.

Below is a list of sixteen that struck me as particularly ridiculous.  These aren’t necessarily the worst movies we own; a couple of these are actually pretty good.  But, for one reason or another, none of these films deserves a place in our DVD collection.  Most of them don’t belong in the DVD library of anyone who wasn’t directly involved in their production.

16) Coyote Ugly

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I almost cut this out of the list so that I would have an even fifteen.  I mean, even without having seen this I know that it’s a terrible movie.  But if being terrible were the only consideration, this would be a much longer list; inclusion here requires a DVD to be particularly useless.  Johanna expressed surprise, however, when I went to put it back on the shelf, saying that this was the movie she was most embarrassed to own.  That was enough to re-earn it a spot.

15) Patriot Games/Clear and Present Danger

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OK, so these aren’t terrible movies.  I mean, as far as action movies go, they’re a little bit quaint by today’s standards, but that’s still Harrison Ford and not Steven Seagal on the cover there.  But the question remains, what would possibly compel me to buy one of these on DVD, let alone BOTH?  And I can guarantee that these were separate purchases and not some discount two-pack.  I decided, on two individual occasions, that I needed to purchase a Jack Ryan movie on DVD.  And, both times, Harrison Ford’s Jack Ryan.  Not Alec Baldwin’s Jack Ryan.  Not Ben Affleck’s Jack Ryan.  What was my motivation?  I’ve never even read a Tom Clancy novel!

14) Papillon

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The first half of this movie is actually kind of great!  The second half just keeps going and going and going and is a mess.  But quality isn’t really the issue here.  Why do we own this?  I’m kind of surprised this is even available on DVD.  How many of you have even heard of this movie?

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m glad we have this.  How many copies of this can their even be in circulation?  I’m guessing no more than 500.  I now consider myself a part of a very exclusive Papillon club.

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A Model Day in Disney World

I’ve spent the day getting hyped for my trip to Disney World, and also looking for music videos on YouTube, and the two activities somehow merged and led me to these.  They’re time-lapse videos that use a weird lens to make it look like a stop-motion movie made with models.  Or something?  I’m not totally sure what’s going on here, but I know that they appeal to two of the major facets of my barely-suppressed dorkiness, a love of Disney World and a love of models.

A Model Day at the Magic Kingdom

A Model Day at Epcot

So yeah, hopefully after Disney I can get some posts with some substance up.

Walt Disney World Attractions

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I hesitated to post two Disney lists in a row, but what can I say, I have Disney on the brain lately.  A few notes:  I’ve included each country pavilion from Epcot as its own attraction.  If the pavilion includes a movie or a ride, that is listed as a separate attraction as well.  This list is relatively comprehensive; if a ride or attraction is not included, I’ve probably never ridden it.  Water parks are not included, because other than wave pools and lazy rivers, I hate water parks.

Here they are, my seventy favorite attractions in Walt Disney World (with a bunch of dark, grainy, shaky YouTube videos!):

 

70) Stitch’s Great Escape! (Magic Kingdom)

 

A horrible attraction.  Who would’ve guessed that putting people in a dark theater, touching them with things, spraying them with water, and spraying bad smells into the air around them would result in a negative experience?

 

69) Journey into Imagination with Figment (Epcot)

 

The old version of this ride was one of my favorites as a kid.  I had a Figment stuffed animal and everything.  The new one is absolutely terrible, and one of the attractions in Walt Disney World least likely to spark a child’s imagination.  Maybe the original was terrible, too, and I just didn’t realize it at the time.

 

68) United States Pavilion (Epcot)

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By far the most boring of the World Showcase pavilions.  It could have been so much better.  There’s not really much going on here.  The quick service food is just standard fast food stuff, and the building itself is an uninspired Colonial-style place.  Why go with a single building here?  Wouldn’t it be more interesting to have a street scene like so many of the other pavilions?  They could have gone with an old-timey Boston scene.  I haven’t seen the animatronic show, The American Adventure, in a long time.  I’ll make an effort to see it the next time I go and maybe my opinion will change.

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Disney Animated Classics

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I’m a very big Disney fan, and sort of a burgeoning animation geek, so I’m much more familiar with these movies than your average red-blooded 27-year-old American male with no children has any right to be.  That said, while I’ve seen some of these very recently, a lot of this is based on half-remembered thoughts and opinions.  So this might not exactly be my definitive list.  Also, Pixar movies don’t count here; this is just Disney Animation Studios stuff.  Here’s the official list.  In honor of my upcoming, highly anticipated trip to Walt Disney World, here are my thirty favorite Disney Animated Classics (movies I haven’t seen, or don’t remember, are excluded and listed at the end).

30) The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I haven’t seen this movie since it came out, and I don’t remember it that well, really.  But I was utterly disappointed by it at the time, and it certainly confirmed to us what Pocahontas had hinted at the year before: the modern golden age of Disney classics was over.

29) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

This movie is a big deal.  It’s the first full-length animated film ever made.  At the time, people thought making a feature-length animated movie was ridiculous.  Reading about Walt Disney’s drive to get this made and the technological breakthroughs he and his animators made during the production is even sort of inspiring.  That said, this movie is boring as hell nowadays.  And the animation style, in my opinion, is not at all visually interesting.

28) Pinocchio (1940)

This movie gave us “When You Wish Upon A Star,” which is a great song.  That’s pretty much all it has going for it.  It’s divided into three completely unrelated, nonsensical acts, each possibly more dull than the last.  Rarely does an hour and a half feel this long.

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