I would like to welcome the Bulls to Boston.

Hey guys! Happy to have you! Sad D-Rose can’t play, but I’m still hoping you can slap the Celtics around a bit.

Great commercial, BTW.  I love watching Asik shuffle around the paint.

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The ESPYs, 2011

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Prior to blogging about last year’s show I had never bothered to watch the ESPYs.  I mean, it’s the ESPYs, right?  Come on, ESPN, the ESPYs?  What a stupid name!!  Plus, why do we need an award show for sports?  I’m pretty sure we already have awards for sports.  You know, like MVPs and championships.

But then I watched them, and wow, it was a lot of fun!  Mostly because of all the great montages.  I love a good montage, and ESPN is really good at putting them together.  Plus, Seth Meyers is hosting, there is sure to be a bunch of weird, awkward celebrity/athlete pairings, and it’s a slow Wednesday night.  What else do I have going on?  I’m in.

The ESPYs are also perfect for the award show winner-picking competition between my wife Johanna and I, because she has absolutely no idea what’s going on.  She claimed not to have heard of any of the boxers until I pronounced Manny Pacquiao’s name for her, and she’s currently Googling the names in the “Best Jockey” category.  As I said last year, if I don’t win this one, it’ll be embarrassing.

As always, in addition to blindly picking a “Best Bowler,” she is also in charge of making us a themed cocktail for the evening.  She’s whipping something up with gin, lemonade, and a splash each of cranberry juice and sparkling water and calling it the “Derrick Rosé” in honor of the man who has managed to steal the title of “Jared’s Sports Crush” away from Albert Pujols.

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Categories and winners are in bold, and I’ll be keeping score as we go along.  Let’s get started.  Play ball!  Kickoff!  Tip off! Puck drop, or whatever!

9:01 –  You know you’re watching a seriously classy event when it’s sponsored by a motor oil.

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Derrick Rose: Where Mumbling Happens

I love Derrick Rose.  He’s the most charismatic guy who actually has absolutely no charisma ever.  Watch him in this commercial and tell me if he’s humble and shy or just sleepy.

And here’s an interview with him right after he got picked first overall in the NBA draft by his hometown team.  You’d be freaking out in his shoes, right?  He must be the most laid-back guy on Earth.

I guess maybe he’s consciously saving his energy for the court.  I’m perfectly willing to sacrifice an interesting interview for plays like this.

The ESPYs, 2010

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So, I’ve never watched the ESPYs.  I’ve actually never even thought about watching the ESPYs.  I doubt I know anyone who has watched the ESPYs.  They’re a non-event, kind of like the Daytime Emmys, except they seem even more artificial and tacky.  (Note: I spent about five minutes trying to think of a joke about an imaginary Daytime ESPYs and came up empty.  This is how I spend my time.)

That said, Johanna and I must soldier on in our 2010 award show winner-picking competition, so we’re going to slog through it.  Luckily, Seth Meyers is hosting.  Also, there will undoubtedly be ridiculously dressed athletes.  And, as Bill Simmons always points out, women in high heels who are not used to wearing high heels.  So that’s fun.

Let’s get this started.  In the sporting, masculine spirit of the evening, Johanna and I will be sharing a bottle of 2009 D’Autrefois Pinot Noir Rosé.  As always, categories and winners in bold.

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9:00 – Picking winners in these categories was really hard; this has been a crazy exciting and dramatic sports year.  Great Super Bowl, amazing March Madness, Phil Mickelson defeating his wife’s cancer at the Masters, a super-long tennis match, perfect games and no hitters, Celtics vs. Lakers, the World Cup.  The Olympics were sort of meh, but hey, it’s still the Olympics.

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