Anywayz, Google Zeitgeist 2011!  If you know me, you know I love clips of stuff. Particularly when those clips are montage-y and backed by music and almost make me cry. So, obviously, I love this:

2011 went by fast, huh???  2012 already???  I saw a documentary about 2012, and I’m not sure we’re ready for this.

I mean, that’s a lot of John Cusack, right?  Also, the other stuff looks not so fun.

But man oh man as I watched this I couldn’t help but wishing he had a better crop of movies this year to montagify.  Wow were there not a whole lot of great or good movies this year!  I mean, right?!  Remember how last year we had like The Social Network and Inception and True Grit and everything??  And this year we have, like…uh, Moneyball?  I liked Moneyball, right?  Yikes!

Hopefully next year will be better.  For now, I’m going to go watch the montage from 2010. And also download the Deadmau5 song that was in the 2011 montage.

So, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the Emmys.  I always get excited for them because I love quite a bit of television, and quite a bit of the television that I love gets nominated.  But there are always one or two nominees in each category that (even though MAYBE I’ve never actually watched the show SO SUE ME) are clearly not worthy.  And, more often than not, one of those two nominees ends up winning.  Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if Johnny Galecki won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy this year.  JUST KIDDING even the Emmys wouldn’t go that far, I mean it’s JOHNNY GALECKI lolz gimme a break!  If that happened I would expect the Emmys to receive an Emmy nomination for Best Comedy next year!  Get it??  Wocka wocka wocka!

So usually I start out excited, slowly lose my enthusiasm after some mind-numbingly bad award choices, and by the end of the night I’m a disillusioned husk of a man.  OK, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, because I don’t really care all that much, but you get my point.

As usual, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in a winner-picking competition.  She’s trying not to over-think things tonight and keeps muttering things like, “I refuse to base my self-worth on this.  I am an adult with a job.”  She is also going to fulfill her role as bartender for the evening.  We very recently found out that we will be moving from North Carolina back to Boston soon so that she can start the aforementioned job.  In honor of both Game of Thrones and the impending New England blizzards that we’re dreading, she has concocted a drink made up of vanilla-flavored vodka and seltzer that she’s calling “Winter is Coming.”  Yummerz?  We’ll see.

OK, let’s get this thing started.  Time to hype ourselves up for another bloated award show!  Repeat after me: “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!”

8:01 – Fun (??) opening musical number!  Oh, Jane Lynch.  In just a couple short years I’ve gone from liking you a lot to still liking you but being annoyed at your overexposure because of Glee to kind of maybe not even liking you anymore?  But this bit is pretty winning.  Maybe you’ll redeem yourself in my eyes tonight!  And I know my opinion is all that really matters to you, Jane.

8:12 – Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel are here to present Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy.

Johanna and I both went with Jane Lynch because, in case you hadn’t noticed, she’s hosting this evening.  I tell Johanna that Betty White is probably going to win, to which she replies, “That’s so 2008.  If she wins I’m watching the rest of this in protest.”

And the Emmy goes to… Madonna!  What??  Oh, wait, it’s Julie Bowen.  Sorry, the arms confused me.

8:17 – Julianna Margulies is here having wrapped herself in one of those things you put in your bathtub so you don’t slip.

She’s presenting Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy.  We both went with Ed O’Neill, I guess thinking the voters might try to make up for last year when he wasn’t even nominated.  Ty Burrell wins instead.  I’m cool with that, Ty Burrell is very funny and seems to also be a very nice guy.

8:26 – Ricky Gervais is both continuing to pretend that he is some sort of Hollywood outcast and pseudo-presenting Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series.

We both went with 30 Rock since it was the live episode.  Modern Family wins instead.  Wouldn’t it be funny if Johanna and I picked the same winner in every category AND managed to get them all wrong?  It would make a complete farce of what is already pretty much a colossal waste of time!

8:30 – Will Arnett and Zooey Deschanel are here!  Two people whom I love but maybe the shtick is wearing a bit thin finally?  Anywayz, they’re presenting Outstanding Writing in a Comedy.

Johanna and I both went with Modern Family.  Finally, we got one right!  The score is 1-1.

8:41 – Hey everybody guess what it’s that wild and crazy guy Charlie Sheen ZZZZzZZzZzzzzZzZz

He’s presenting Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy.  We both went with Steve Carell.  Say what you want about the decline of The Office in general or the character of Michael Scott in particular, but Steve Carell had nothing to do with that.  He was always terrific, even if the material he was given wasn’t.  He deserves this one, guyz!  But no, we would rather keep pretending that The Big Bang Theory is a much better show than it actually is (Full disclosure: I watch The Big Bang Theory).  Jim Parsons wins.  BOOOOO! (Full disclosure: I like Jim Parsons).

8:43 – Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are here to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy.

Amy Poehler comes onstage as soon as her name is read in the list of nominees.  Oh, Amy, I love you, you’re totes adorbz.  And now all of the nominees are following her lead!  Fun times!  Wait, BOO they have a tiara ready this was all planned not as fun times…

I went with Amy Poehler because she’s totes adorbz and Johanna went with Edie Falco because those Showtime ladies always win.  Melissa McCarthy wins instead?  Seriously, from Mike & Molly?  Spit take, amirite!?!  If I hadn’t enjoyed her in Bridesmaids I would be totally fuming right now, you guys.

9:00 – Time for the montage to introduce the Reality/Variety categories!  I love montages!  I could watch short clips from television shows all night long!  I am kind of an idiot!

9:01 – Kaley Cuoco and David Spade are here to present Outstanding Reality- Competition Program.

Johanna went with Top Chef and I decided to not expend any energy thinking about this and just go with The Amazing Race.  And The Amazing Race wins!  Finally, one of us takes the lead: 2-1 me.

Kaley and Dave are also presenting Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series.  We both went with The Colbert Report here because have you guys been watching that show lately??  He’s been on fire!  Seriously, it has totally passed The Daily Show on my enjoyment meter.  Whoever wins, we all win, because we get to watch the always hilarious clips that the shows provide.  But, in actuality, only The Daily Show wins.  Boring, but fine.

9:12 – Lonely Island is here with Michael Bolton.  I’ve got to say, this has been a pretty enjoyable show thus far!  The whole thing has been pretty funny and hip and in-touch, I think?  Perhaps TV people are better than movie people.  Take that, movie people!  Take that all the way to the bank!

9:16 – The dead twin from Lost is here with movie star Sandra Bullock! Lea Michelle to present Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series.

I stuck with my guns and went with The Colbert Report.  Unforunately for all of us, Johanna pulls into a tie by picking the winner, Saturday Night Live.  I should have seen that coming; I don’t know how much actual “directing” is going on on The Colbert Report.  2-2.

9:18 – Scott Caan and Anna Paquin are here to present Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series.

I, again, perhaps a bit unwisely, went with The Colbert Report.  Johanna went with the winner, The Daily Show.  Yikes!  She leads, 3-2.

9:26 – Yay!  Drama montage!

9:28 – Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are here, which means we’ve now had three of the two and a half men!

They’re presenting Outstanding Writing for a Drama.  We both went with Mad Men’s episode “The Suitcase” because for serious that episode was tha realness.  Jason Katim wins for Friday Night Lights.  A bit of a surprise, but no complaints in this household!  As I said earlier, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

Jon and Ash are also presenting Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama.  Johanna went with Archie Panjabi from The Good Wife?  OK, then.  I went with my crush Kelly Macdonald from Boardwalk Empire.  Margo Martindale wins.  I’ve heard she was great, but I’m still working on season one of Justified.  Speaking of, SPOILER ALERT, Margo!  Thanks for ruining the death of your character for me!  (BTDubs, SPOILER ALERT for anyone reading this who hasn’t watched Justified, but apparently Margo Martindale’s character dies.)

9:40 – Here are some people I don’t really know.  Loretta Divine, I think, and is that the guy from ER?  Oh, well.

They’re presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama.  We both went with Boardwalk Empire because Martin Scorsese, obvz.  He wins, obvz.  4-3, Johanna.

They’re trying to get Marty to wrap it up and he is too much of a gentleman to say “Very funny, but I’m Martin fucking Scorsese.”

9:43 – Now, Kerry Washington I’ve heard of, but who is this guy?  Jason O’Mara?  I’m going to guess he’s on…Burn Notice, maybe?

They’re presenting Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama.  We both went with John Slattery here, although I must admit that I did make a few unfortunate jokes about Peter Dinklage having podium trouble.  And Dinklage wins!  Thankfully, no podium.  Nice to see him and Game of Thrones get some love.

Johanna says “I like his little suit.”  When I ask her if she’s comfortable with me putting that in the blog, she responds, “It was well-tailored!”  Seriously, though, let’s move on.  I’m not this person who makes these jokes.  That’s not me, I swear.  Who are you to judge?  You don’t even know me!  Stop judging me!

9:53 – Bryan Cranston and Katie Holmes are here.  It’s funny to see him with hair after watching so much Breaking Bad.  Did you guys see him in Contagion with all that hair all over his head?  Weird!

I went with Julianna Margulies because I heard that supposedly somewhere people both watch and really love The Good Wife.  I have no idea what it is, personally.  Johanna went with Connie Britton because, you know, she’s Tami Taylor!  Of the Texas Coach Taylors?  Margulies wins.  The score is 4-4.

9:57 – Drew Barrymore, fire your agent.  You should never have agreed to stand next to these ladies on national television.

They’re presenting Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama.  We both went with Jon Hamm, but shock awe Kyle Chandler wins!  Friday Night Lights WHATTTTT!

I’m sort of conflicted here, though, because I love both Hamm and Chandler and was really hoping Hamm would win this year since Bryan Cranston wasn’t on the ballot.

Whatevz, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.  Besides, as Johanna points out, “Kyle Chandler is HOTTT!”

She also says, “I feel weird because I want him to be both my father and my husband.”

10:08 – Haha, everyone hates these guys!

They’re presenting Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries or Movie.  Both of us went with Downton Abbey, but only one of us finished watching it.  I’ll let you decide which one of us that was.  It wins; we’re at 5-5.

Obviously this guy wrote Downton Abbey.  His son’s name is (get this) Peregrin.

The boyzzz from Entourage are also presenting Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.  We both went with Maggie Smith from Downton Abbey, and she wins.  Maggie Smith is not able to be here tonight, so the cast of Entourage accepts her award on her behalf.  A million monkeys typing for a million years could never have spit out that sentence.  6-6.

10:18 – Seeing Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler together all night keeps making me think that Amy was in Bridesmaids.  Amy Poehler totally should have been in Bridesmaids.

They’re presenting Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.  Johanna went with Carlos from Carlos.  I went with Larry Fishburne from Thurgood.  That’s right, I called you “Larry,” Larry!  I know you hate it, but I don’t care!  Barry Pepper wins instead, which I’m fine with even though I’m quite sure that The Kennedys is a steaming pile of rotten garbage, because Barry Pepper is awesome.  I have never seen Barry Pepper in something and not thought he was awesome.

Amy and Melissa are also presenting Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries or Movie.  We both went with Todd Haynes for Mildred Pierce.  The guy from Downton Abbey wins instead.  Enough with these categories!  I even rushed this photo:

10:22 – And now it’s time for this guy.

I am immediately bored, thinking this is just some academy spiel, but no WAIT OH IT’S THE IN MEMORIAM MONTAGE!  YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THE IN MEMORIAM MONTAGE!  IT’S THE BEST MONTAGE!

Who are these guys singing?  Is this NKOTB?  Is this Ari’s daughter’s opera group from the series finale of Entourage?

We should all definitely keep covering “Hallelujah” for sure.  We definitely, totally have not done this enough yet.  People are constantly taking to the streets clamoring for more covers of “Hallelujah.”  Also, Leslie Nielsen.

10:32 – Anna Torv, David Boreanaz, and David Boreanaz’ weird haircut are here to present Outstanding Supporting Actor.

Johanna and I split the Too Big to Fail vote.  She went with Paul Giamatti and I went with James Woods.  Meanwhile, Guy Pearce wins.

10:36 – Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are here to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.

We both went with Kate Winslet because MOVIE STARRRRRRR!  She wins.  7-7.  Are we going to tie?  We’re going to tie, aren’t we?

“She’s a bit too much of a movie star to be this excited about an Emmy,” says Johanna.

10:44 – Don Cheadle is here to present Outstanding Miniseries or Movie.  Want to hear something funny?  I’m pretty sure Ocean’s Eleven is the first thing I saw Don Cheadle in, and I actually thought he was British.  And his British accent is terrible in that, right?  That’s how stupid I am.

We both went with Mildred Pierce, but Downton Abbey wins instead.  Upset!

10:47 – Maria Bello and Tall Peter Dinklage William H. Macy are here to present Outstanding Drama Series.  I’m really surprised that they’re saving comedy for last.

We both went with Mad Men, because come on have you seen Mad Men?  It wins, thank god.  8-8.  We’re totally going to tie.

10:55 – Gwyneth Paltrow, huh?  This is like the Contagion awards!  Speaking of Contagion, if you haven’t seen it yet, SPOILER ALERT: Bryan Cranston like, TOTALLY has hair covering the entire top of his head!

We both went with Modern Family, and it wins.  Yup, we tied.  9-9.  Snooze!

Well, they wrapped that up before the Modern Family people could even get off the stage.  A nice tight three hours.  I’ll take their lead and say good night.  Good night, everybody!  Good night, Moon!  Good night, Jane!

BLACK AND YELLOW GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA!!!1!  YO! MTV gives out VMAs!!

Seriously, this is one of my favorite award shows, if only because it is consistently bonkers.  I mean, most of the time it’s only bonkers in an over-produced, manufactured MTV type of way, but it’s still sort of fun if you don’t think too much about it, I think?  And every once in a while something that’s actually bizarre happens.  I was actually starting to get excited about this earlier today until I remembered that Chelsea Handler was the host [Edit: Wrong.].  UGH THAT DOUBLE UGH.

Anywayz, my wife Johanna and I will be competing in another of our CLASSIC winner-picking competitions.  Luckily, there are only like eight categories tonight (at least on our ballot), so this should be easy enough.  Johanna is also, as usual, in charge of our themed beverage for the evening.  I’ve been singing (rapping?) Kreayshawn all day long, so she’s calling tonight’s drink the “Gucci Gucci.”  We don’t have any Adderall to grind up and put in a beverage, so she’s making a variant of a Cuba Libre because, in her words, “it’s something a trashy girl would drink.”  After her first sip she added, “I’ll only be having one of these.”

Let’s get going.  Categories and winners in bold.  And if Kanye does anything crazy, it’ll be in bold and also, like, 20 pt font.

9:35 – Hey, guess what!?  Time Warner Cable is the worst!  The tech they use is ridiculously out-of-date and barely functions, and it decided this evening to not record the first 35 minutes of this show!  Now I’m going to use that 35 minutes of my life that they saved me tweeting at them about how horrible they are.

I suppose this means I missed the opening performance (Lady Gaga, I think?), so that’s too bad, but this also means that I have to hear Chelsea Handler talk less, so, win some lose some, I guess?  [Edit: Wrong.]  Oh, well.  Deep breaths, Jared;  it’s just the VMAs.  This will all be online later anyways.

Johanna is hopping on to MTV.com to see the results of any categories that we missed.  Let’s check in.

Best Video with a Message: We both went with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” and it wins.  1-1.

Best Pop Video:  Johanna went with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and I went with Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, because we had both forgotten that it was 2002.  Since it is 2002, though, Britney Spears wins with “Till the World Ends”.

Best Rock Video: I went with Foster the People here because I have never heard of them before.  Johanna remembered that it was 2002 this time, so she went with Foo Fighters, who win.  2-1 her.

All right, let’s rejoin our regularly scheduled programming.

9:35 – Jack Black, Will Ferrell, and Seth Rogen are here reprising their roles as the Beastie Boys from this thing:

And now they’re being joined onstage for a dance contest by Odd Future.  There is too much going on right now and I’m still recovering from the Time Warner incident.

They’re presenting Best Hip Hop Video.  We both went with Kanye’s “All of the Lights” because seriously have you seen that video?!  It’s unbelievable!

But wait, what?  Nicki Minaj  wins for “Super Bass”?  No ways.  No ways.  Where’s Kanye when you need him?  Nicki, I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but Kanye had one of the best videos of all time!  Still 2-1, Johanna.

We must have really come a long way over the past few years, stylistically, considering I don’t feel the need to comment on Nicki’s dress.

9:44 ­– OK, so I at least have a vague idea of who Demi Lovato is, but I’m at a loss with this other guy.  His name is either Cort or Cord Overstreet.

They’re presenting Best Collaboration.  We both went with Kanye.  Frankly, any time one of the choices is “All of the Lights” I’m going to go with “All of the Lights.”  Instead, Katy Perry and Kanye West win with “E.T.”, and I like both of them, but wow is that song stupid.  Also, Katy is doing some sort of old-timey radio voice or something, and neither Kanye nor I know what her deal is.  Maybe she got into Kreayshawn’s Adderall.

9:46 – Wait, what?  Rick Ross and Paul Rudd?

I have literally not a thing to say about this Pitbull and Ne-Yo performance.  I’m going to take this opportunity to feed my dog.

9:57 – WARDROBE CHANGE WHAT!  And this one is as bad as the last.  What’s going on, Katy?

She’s introducing Adele.  Adele, this had better be a medley.  Do not tell me that you aren’t singing “Rolling in the Deep.”

That was more than a bit disappointing.

10:10 – Kim Kardashian is here presenting Best Male Video.

OK, so you know how before I said I would always pick “All of the Lights” if it were an option?  Well, in this case, the fans are doing the voting, so I decided to go with Justin Bieber, as did Johanna.  Is Bieber Fever still a thing?  Apparently it is, and he wins.  3-2 Johanna.  Also, wutz up with the weird half-frame glasses, Justin?

10:12 – Joe Jonas and someone named Victoria Justice, I think?  I’m sure I’ll know who she is in a year.  That’s usually how these things work.  Also, Joe Jonas looks like a former member of NKOTB.

They’re introducing Chris Brown.  Gross.  This guy is such an unstable weirdo.  I’m also pissed at him for ruining “Forever” for me.

Did you guys know that Chris Brown = Jesus?

“I’m getting too old for this shit.” – Jay-Z

Johanna suggests that Jessie J is playing “No Scrubs” here as a dig at Chris Brown.  Interesting theory.

10:24 – Whoa, whoa, whoa.  WTF, WTF, WTF?  Now I really need to see the first half hour that I missed.  Has Lady Gaga been in character as Al Pacino all night?

“Is she dressed up as Amy Winehouse, except, like, as a man?” – Johanna.

Soooooo…I’m just going to pretend that didn’t just happen and try to enjoy this Britney tribute.

I’m really having trouble deciding if this makes me like Gaga more or less.

Anyway, Britney Spears is getting some sort of lifetime achievement award or something, and also introducing Beyoncé.  I really need to see Gaga’s opening performance now.

Also, this is happening.

OMG, here I am still trying to get over this Lady Pacino madness and now Beyoncé is pregnant?? What is going on?

10:40 – How short is Taylor Lautner?  I didn’t know he was short.  I mean, I know Selena Gomez is wearing heels here, but I’ve seen her next to Justin Bieber.  She is small.

They’re presenting Best New Artist.  Johanna went with my girl Kreayshawn and I went with Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa Wiz Khalifa.  Tyler, the Creator wins!  I had picked him and then I changed my mind!  “Should I be listening to more Odd Future?” asks Johanna.  We’re still at 3-2.

10:42 – Zoe Saldana and Johnny Drama Jared Leto are here.  Johanna and I have a brief conversation about how we can’t get over how much of a douche Jared Leto is.  Here are the people I have to share a name with: Jared Leto.  Subway Jared.  Jared Lee Loughner.

They’re introducing a band named Young the Giant.  I don’t know who this is and likely never will.  Also, this guy REALLY does not need both an old-timey microphone AND a new-timey microphone.  I promise.

10:53 – Cloris Leachman and the Jersey Shore girls.  I’m starting to worry that I inadvertently ingested some sort of hallucinogen.

They’re presenting Best Female Video.  We both went with Lady Gaga, and she wins.  4-3, Johanna.  In other news, I’m just going to assume that in the first half hour that we missed Lady Gaga announcing that she was transgendered.

11:03 – Russell Brand is here to talk about Amy Winehouse.  I was pretty sad about her dying, you guys.  I really loved Back to Black, and was still holding out hope for a comeback.  R.I.P., Amy Winehouse.

Tony Bennett is here to join in the Winehouse love.  Someone help him!  His Transitions lenses are stuck in the middle!

Bruno Mars is singing a Winehouse song.  Honestly, I would much rather have skipped that Adele performance earlier and have had her singing here.  That seems more appropriate.

11:17 – “YOU’RE FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THE HUNGER GAMES PREVIEW!!!” yells Johanna when I’m not quick enough to press play after the commercial break.  She then commences freaking out when she hears that they’re filming in North Carolina.

11:19 – Katie Holmes is here presenting Video of the Year.

We both went with Adele, which cements the loss for me.  Katy Perry wins, and she’s 0 for 3 on outfits for the evening.  Better luck next year, Katy.

So, Johanna wins.  4-3.  I’m pretty sure she’s won two of the last three of these contests.  What is wrong with me?

Anyway, Drake is here.  I’m sick of Drake.  I don’t think I like any of his songs.  I prefer his work on Degrassi.  Also, nice sweater, Drake.

He’s presenting Lil’ Wayne.  I don’t think I really like any of Lil’ Wayne’s songs, either, but I’m certainly not sick of him.

11:27 – Wait, so does the fact that this is over mean that I missed not only whatever weirdness is going on with Gaga, but also Kanye and Jigga?  Because I’m pretty sure Kanye and Jigga were supposed to perform here.  Now I have to watch the beginning of the replay, I guess.  I will burn Time Warner to the ground.

11:58 – So this is how this show started?  I don’t know how to react to this.

Johanna and I both agree that this, over the course of the night, was funnier having not seen this introduction.  I can’t decide is this is sort of hilariously brilliant or just a terrible acting class monologue.

Biebs seems equally befuddled.

I mention that this sounds like a Queen song, and instantly Brian May appears onstage.  Magic!

I think I like this?  This is the most interesting bit of performance art garbage I’ve seen her try in a while, at least.

12:08 – Wait, Kevin Hart?  I really thought Chelsea Handler was supposed to host this.  Whatever.  “Maybe I just made up that Chelsea Handler was hosting.” Says Johanna.

12:13 – I’m not going in-depth with this.  This has been over for hours.  But Jonah Hill is skinny now.  Well, skinnier.

12:21 – Finally, Kanye West and Jay-Z.  And now I can rest.

Prior to blogging about last year’s show I had never bothered to watch the ESPYs.  I mean, it’s the ESPYs, right?  Come on, ESPN, the ESPYs?  What a stupid name!!  Plus, why do we need an award show for sports?  I’m pretty sure we already have awards for sports.  You know, like MVPs and championships.

But then I watched them, and wow, it was a lot of fun!  Mostly because of all the great montages.  I love a good montage, and ESPN is really good at putting them together.  Plus, Seth Meyers is hosting, there is sure to be a bunch of weird, awkward celebrity/athlete pairings, and it’s a slow Wednesday night.  What else do I have going on?  I’m in.

The ESPYs are also perfect for the award show winner-picking competition between my wife Johanna and I, because she has absolutely no idea what’s going on.  She claimed not to have heard of any of the boxers until I pronounced Manny Pacquiao’s name for her, and she’s currently Googling the names in the “Best Jockey” category.  As I said last year, if I don’t win this one, it’ll be embarrassing.

As always, in addition to blindly picking a “Best Bowler,” she is also in charge of making us a themed cocktail for the evening.  She’s whipping something up with gin, lemonade, and a splash each of cranberry juice and sparkling water and calling it the “Derrick Rosé” in honor of the man who has managed to steal the title of “Jared’s Sports Crush” away from Albert Pujols.

Categories and winners are in bold, and I’ll be keeping score as we go along.  Let’s get started.  Play ball!  Kickoff!  Tip off! Puck drop, or whatever!

9:01 –  You know you’re watching a seriously classy event when it’s sponsored by a motor oil.

9:03 – No messing around, we’re kicking things off with a montage!  They know me so well.

9:05 – I know this sounds bad, but the only thing I like more than a montage is a dead person montage.  This show may be peaking a bit early.

9:08 – Here’s Seth Meyers, bringing, at least temporarily, an unfortunate end to the montages.

9:19 – This monologue has been going on for quite a while.  No complaints here!  The longer he goes, the less pausing and typing I have to do.  Maybe this evening won’t be completely interminable!

9:21 – Here’s Emmanuelle Chriqui and, wait, “Tonight’s ESPY award winner for ‘Best Driver’ Jimmie Johnson.”  So that’s how it’s going to be, huh ESPN?  Trying to sneak these awards past me?  Anyway, I had Johnson, and Johanna picked Dario Franchitti, so the score is 1-0, me.

Does ESPN have Emmanuelle Chriqui on retainer or something?  Why is she always here?  Every year she presents an ESPY and every year I have to go look up how to spell her name.  They’re presenting Best Breakthrough Athlete.  Johanna and I both went with Blake Griffin.  I’m guessing he’s the only one of these nominees that she has heard of, which is a good explanation for why he won.  2-1 me.  “All the nominees look good!  I like his tie!” says Johanna.  My life is slightly less fun now that athletes learned how to dress appropriately in formal settings.

I don’t like Blake Griffin, I don’t think, but I can’t decide if it’s because he seems like a bit of an asshole or because he looks like a space alien.

9:31 – I’m not even going to make a joke about Chris Berman because absolutely no one likes Chris Berman anymore.  Even people who like Dick Vitale are like “Berman’s kind of a blowhard, right?”  Ugh.

9:33 – Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman are here to present Best Championship Performance.  I like Jason Bateman, but is he actively trying to have the most generic, boring career ever?  Just because you’re the straight man doesn’t mean you have to be in uninteresting movies, Jason.  Plus, as Johanna says, “He’s looking kind of old.”

I went with Kemba Walker here and Johanna went with Tim Thomas.  Both seem like sort of unlikely choices now that I think about it.  But no, Tim Thomas wins!  Uh oh!  He also apparently won Best NHL Player.  We’re all tied up at 3-3.

9:40 – Here are Maria Sharapova, Amar’e Stoudamire, and some actress named Rachel Nichols.  You know, a totally normal grouping.  The ESPYs aren’t weird, you guys!  They’re totally normal!  These three hang out together all the time!

They’re presenting Best Upset.  We both went with VCU because we don’t care at all about any of the other three.  MMA?  A first round NFL playoff game?  Horse racing?  No thanks.  I mean, the Zenyatta race was admittedly pretty cool, but, really, no thanks.  VCU wins!  This is a nice reminder that I like Shaka Smart.  4-4.

9:53 – After a kind of embarrassing and unfunny bit featuring Paul Scheer (whom I usually love!), Justin Timberlake comes out with the winner of this year’s Best NFL Player award, Aaron Rodgers.  Both Johanna and I picked him, so we’re still tied, 5-5.

They’re presenting Best Male College Athlete.  Johanna went with Cam Newton, and I picked Jimmer Fredette because he is, like, SQUARELY in the demo for ESPN people.  Jimmer wins!  I retake the lead, 6-5.

9:59 – They throw to commercial and then slip in the fact that Arian Foster wins the Castrol Edge NFL Whatever Award.  Neither of us picked him.  Oh, well.  Moving right along…

10:04 – Here’s Kiefer Sutherland to present the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage.

I have nothing to say about this, so instead let’s talk about the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie that they just showed a preview for during the commercials.  I know everyone thinks it looks stupid.  I know the Mark Wahlberg one was stupid.  I know the CGI apes look like STRAIGHT-UP CGI APES.  I mean, they aren’t fooling six-year-olds.  And I know everyone is sort of out on James Franco right now (I almost typed John Franco there!  SPORTS ON THE BRAIN ALERT!).  But I think it looks kind of cool.  Is it just me?  When Johanna and I saw the trailer before our showing of Mad Men: X-Men: First Class the other day I made her promise to go with me when it comes out.

10:28 – Chris Evans and Kerry Washington are here to present Best Male Athlete.  Already?  Don’t we have like an hour left?  All right then.  Also, Chris Evans is not QUITE as pale IRL as he appears in the following photo.

Johanna went with Dirk Nowitzki because she likes to stick with the recent stuff.  I went with Aaron Rodgers because it’s the NFL, and whether I like it or not it’s the biggest sport in the country.  Nowitzki wins, and Johanna briefly pulls into a tie, but then the announcer mentions that he also won Best NBA Player.  She admirably went with our household hero Derrick Rose, and I picked Dirk, so I’m back in the lead, 7-6.

10:33 – Serena Williams is here talking about Billie Jean King.

10:34 – Brooklyn Decker and Tim Tebow are here presenting Best Female Athlete.

“I went with Lindsey Vonn for some reason,” says Johanna.  Earlier in the evening she asked, “Do we care about skiing when it’s not the Olympics?”  I went with Maya Moore, of course.  But Lindsey Vonn wins!  What?!  Which of these categories do fans vote on? 7-7.

10:37 – Here’s the latest thing making me feel old: Tim Tebow just said “Winning an ESPY is something I’ve been dreaming about since I was a little kid.”  Really?  How long have the ESPYs even been around?

10:48 – Kevin Love and Jonah Hill stroll out and I brace myself for the inevitable “one of these things is not like the other” jokes.

They’re presenting Best Game.  I went with Butler v. Pitt, Johanna went with Alabama v. Auburn, and the Eagles v. the Giants wins.  That game looked pretty crazy; I don’t even remember hearing about that.  Yawn.  I’m not going to lie, I’m really losing steam here, guys.

11:01 – Did you guys know that Stuart Scott’s lazy eye was caused by an accident at a Jets’ mini-camp in 2002 when he got hit by a football?  I had no idea.  I assumed it was a from-birth type thing.  You learn something new (on Wikipedia) every day!

11:04 – Jay Leno is here presenting the Best Male Athlete with a Disability award.  The just HAD to have Leno present the one award where I don’t feel comfortable making snide remarks, didn’t they?  You win again, Jay.

I went with the winner, Anthony Robles, the one-legged wrestling champ.  Johanna went with Jerome Singleton, but now she’s pointing out that this might not actually be the Best Male Athlete with a Disability award, and rather some sort of Jimmy V Perseverance award that’s not on our ballot.  Whatever, screw it, I’m assuming Robles won the Disability award too.  8-7 me.

11:12 – Another totally logical grouping of presenters: Cee Lo, Amber Heard, and Cam Newton. 

They’re presenting Best Play.  I don’t think this was on our ballot, but  Abby Wambach wins for that great goal the other day.  They’re in Germany, obvz.

11:16 – Well, my DVR just decided that to record the last fifteen minutes of this it needed to delete 25% of my shows.  Time Warner Cable, I will burn you to the ground.

11:22 – Danica Patrick and Justin Bieber are here to present our final category, Best Team.  “What an unlikeable duo,” says Johanna.  That was Johanna who said that, Beliebers and Danicanimals, not yours truly.

In a reversal of our Best Male Athlete picks, Johanna went with the Packers and I chose the Mavs.  And The Mavericks win!  9-7 me.

11:27 – And we’re done!  Now we just have to go look up the results of all of the untelevised categories.  How fun.  (Honestly, I’m still stewing about the DVR mishap.  Time Warner Cable, I will bomb you into the Stone Age.)

Best Record-Breaking Performance: Johanna is still showing Derrick Rose some love, while I went with UConn women’s basketball.  Rory McIlroy wins.  9-7.

Best Moment: We both went with Fennville H.S. Basketball.  Roy Halladay wins instead.  “What, do they have no hearts?!” says Johanna.

Best Sports Movie: We both went with The Fighter because one of the other choices was Secretariat.  It wins, obvz.  10-8, me.

Best Coach/Manager: Johanna went with the Auburn football coach.  I decided to use a different tactic and pick the winner, Rick Carlisle.

Best MLB Player: We both went with Roy Halladay, and he wins.  11-9 me.

Best WNBA Player: We both went with Lauren Jackson, which is kind of funny, because neither of us has ever seen a WNBA game.  Diana Taurasi wins instead.

Best Fighter:  Manny Pacquiao wins, as we both predicted.  12-10 me.

Best Male Golfer: We both went with Rory McIlroy, and he wins.  I wish I could go back in time like three years and bet a lot of money on Tiger Woods not even being nominated for this.  13-11.

Best Female Golfer:  Johanna randomly chose Na Yeon Choi and I randomly chose Yani Tseng.  Cristie Kerr randomly won.

Best Male Tennis Player: We both went with Rafael Nadal and he wins.  14-12 me.

Best Female Tennis Player: Johanna went with Li Na and I chose the winner, Serena Williams.  15-12 me.

Best Female College Athlete: Maya Moore wins.  We both picked her.  16-13.  Why are there so many categories?!

Best Male Action Sport Athlete:  We both chose Shaun White and he wins.  17-14.

Best Female Action Sport Athlete: Stephanie Gilmore wins.  We both went with Kelly Clark.  Yup, we’re still going.

Best Jockey: We both went with John Velazquez and he wins.  18-15 me.

Best Female Athlete with a Disability: Johanna went with Melissa Stockwell and informs me that she is an Iraq War veteran.  Savvy choice and nice research, Johanna.  I went with Mallory Weggemann, who Johanna says was paralyzed at age 18 after receiving a botched epidural for back pain.  She wins.  19-15 me.

Best (Really, ESPN?) Bowler: I went with Chris Barnes, Johanna went with Mika Koivuniemi, Jason Belmonte wins.  OK.

Best MLS Player: We both obviously went with Landon Donovan, and he wins.  20-16 me.  I’m pretty sure you have too many categories when you only televise like a quarter of them.

And, finally, Best Track and Field Athlete: We both went with Tyson Gay, and he wins.

FINAL SCORE: 21-17.  I win!  But that was closer than last year.  Not bad, Johanna!

I really liked this show last year, but boy was this boring and surprisingly not funny!  Too bad, Seth Meyers and his writing staff!  This was also not my best effort, I don’t think.  Just a half-assed job all around!  I need to regroup before the Emmys, you guys.

Until then, keep awarding!  And, as always: Time Warner Cable, I will haunt your grandchildren!

OK, OK, I know what you’re thinking.  When I did last year’s post on the MTV Movie Awards I said that it would be my last.  It wasn’t the MOST useless award show I blogged about (that honor goes to the Daytime Emmys), but it definitely felt like a waste of time.  But you know what?  Apparently my time isn’t all that valuable, because here we are again.

As usual, my wife Johanna is mixing us a themed cocktail.  Tonight she’s going with a somewhat hastily thrown together offshoot of the cosmopolitan.  Some vodka, cranberry juice, and since we don’t have any orange liqueur and we live in North Carolina where the state-run liquor stores are closed on Sundays, orange juice.  I KNOW, I KNOW, it’s not really a cosmopolitan, but in the wise words of Adam Sandler’s screenwriter, “Just go with it!” [DRINK UPDATE ALERT!  I was later informed that, in addition to the previously listed ingredients, the drink contains blueberry-pomegranate juice, lime juice, and seltzer.  Fancy!]

She chose this because it’s red, like blood, which is perfect because TWILIGHT!!!1!!!!11!  Speaking of, did you guys see that Vanity Fair article about Robert Pattinson and how he is conflicted about his fame and his crazy fans and he can’t go to a bar without bringing in the police for crowd control and basically seems really depressed, but not in a cool goth vampire way, just in a sad human being way?  Anywayzzz, Johanna named the drink the “Bloody Bella.”

Also as usual, we’ll be competing in a winner-picking competition.  I’m pretty sure these awards are based entirely on online fan voting, which is always fun.  Particularly when the people voting are in a completely different demographic than I am.  I miss being in the 18-24 demo so much!  It was a lot of fun.  To paraphrase Kanye West, no one demo should have so much power.  Particularly when it’s such a stupid demo.  Remember how stupid we were?  Yikes.

Categories and winners will be in bold.  I’d like to ask you all to send your prayers and goodwill out into the world for Johanna, because she really needs the win.  I’m worried she’s going to lose interest; she’s already threatening to boycott the ESPYs.  The ESPYs!  Can you imagine?

All right, let’s go!  Take it away, Jason Sudeikis!  I’ll just be sitting over here mentally preparing myself to hear my wife talk all night about how much of a crush she has on the host.

9:00 – MTV starts off on the wrong foot with me with the reminder that Chelsea Handler hosted the VMAs.  You’re better than this, MTV!  Oh, wait, no you’re not.  I think I’ll zone out for this opening bit.

9:05 – Not as good as last year, MTV Movie Awards!  I like you, Jason, but you’re no Aziz.

Also, no one in this audience cares enough about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infidelity to warrant one joke, let alone six of them or whatever you just did.

9:11 – Hey, it’s Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake being, you know, TOTALLY NORMAL.

Hey Mila, were you as creeped out as I was by the opening montage where they had Sudeikis and Taylor Lautner lustily staring at you while you had sex with Natalie Portman?  That sure was creepy, huh?  Anyway, they’re presenting Best Male Performance.  Johanna and I both went with Robert Pattinson here, but I’m a little worried that he’ll split the vote with Lautner, and, like, Zac Efron or someone will win.  But no, Robert Pattinson wins!  TEAM EDWARD!!!  We’re tied, 1-1.

So you might be surprised to hear obviously I’ve never seen any of these movies or read any of the books, but whoever was the casting agent on this project should at the very least be given an MTV Movie Bucket of Popcorn Award of his or her own, because RPatt here totally looks like a vampire in real life.  I guess his paleness is an obvious side effect of the fact that he can’t leave the house without being swarmed by hordes of sad middle-aged receptionists.

Also, I just called Jesse Eisenberg “Jesse Eisenhower.”  That’s what these award shows do to me.  I’m falling to pieces before your very eyes.

9:14 – Here’s J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg, Elle Fanning, and the other kid from the upcoming Super 8 to present the award for introduce a trailer for the upcoming Super 8.  Ok then.  Now I’m going to get to hear Johanna talk about how hot Kyle Chandler is.

This is beneath you, Mr. Spielberg.  Surely you don’t need to be here hyping this movie.  Besides, it totes looks awesome.  Add this to the ever-lengthening list of movies that I say I’m going to go see in the theater and then just end up Netflixing.

(Side note: My regular old local theater just got an IMAX screen!  Crazy, right?)

9:21 – Here come Steve Carell, Emma Stone, and Ryan Gosling, all looking very attractive and well put-together.  Are these three in a movie together or something?  Add that to the aforementioned list!

They’re presenting Best Villain, to which Johanna says “Mickey Rourke?  For real?”  I went with Tom Felton, better known as Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies, and Johanna informs me that he won in this category last year.  She went with Leighton Meester from The Roommate.  Tom Felton wins, which is hilarious, because he is SUCH A TERRIBLE ACTOR!  Right?  Also weird looking, according to Johanna: “He’s no Ryan Gosling, that’s for sure.”  2-1, me.

9:24 – Here comes Jim Carrey.  I’m going to decline to explain to you what is going on with his clothing here.  Instead I’m going to tell you about how recently on a road trip I cracked Johanna up by, apropos of nothing, turning to her and saying “ALLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY THEN!”  You know, from Ace Ventura?  Boy am I hilarious!

He’s introducing Foo Fighters.  Wowzers.  Would one of you mind discretely telling MTV that its fly is open and 1996 is hanging out?  I mean, Jim Carrey and Dave Grohl?  I’m not exaggerating when I say that one of our previous presenters, Elle Fanning, was not even born yet the last time either of these things were even close to being relevant.  Right?

As an added bonus, this song is super boring.

9:30 – How old is Sway now, like fifty?  I mean, he doesn’t look it, but he has to be, right?  His birthday is conspicuously absent from his Wikipedia page.

9:34 – LL Cool CE (Ladies Love Cool Chris Evans) is here to remind us to always text or something.

9:35 – COMEDY FUN TIMEZZZ!  Danny McBride, Nick Swardsen, and Aziz Ansari, are here to bring the lulz, this time in the form of Aziz dressing up like Jaden Smith in The Karate Kid.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I mean, funny, but for like two seconds.  I still love you, Aziz!

They’re presenting the classic category Best Jaw-Dropping Moment.  For me it was probably either the “paintings being alive” scene or the “woman stabbing herself in the face with a nail file” scene from Black Swan, both of which really caused me to lose my shit.  Unfortunately, they chose the skin-peeling scene from that movie for the nomination, so I went with Justin Bieber’s Performance Spectacular from Never Stop Beliebing, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bieber.  Johanna chose the same.  And the Biebster wins!  He’s taking a break from the set of his new movie Lil’ Miami Vice.  The score is 3-2 me.

“Never Say Never” plays and Johanna says in the slightest whisper “I like this song…”.

When I wrote about the VMAs last year, the video for “Baby” had 320 million views on YouTube.  It currently sits at 558,431,727 views.  Way to spend your time, America.  “Soon to be 558,431,728 views!” says Johanna as she presses play.

9:45 – Here’s Shia Labeouf and the rest of the cast of the Even Stevens movie  the remake of Can’t Buy Me Love  Transformers 3?  OK.  Patrick Dempsey is in that movie?  The Transformers movies could not exist and I’m pretty sure everything in my life would be exactly the same, except I wouldn’t have at one time put the first one in my Netflix queue, got it in the mail, and mailed it back without watching it.

They’re presenting Best Fight.  We both went with that hugely memorable clash between Robert Pattinson, Bryce Dallas Howard and some guy I’ve never heard of in The Twilight Saga: Three Wolf Moon.  It wins!  HOWWLLLL!  4-3, me.

9:55 – OK, I think the less said about this movie theme song bit the better.

9:56 – Here comes Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.  “Why have I always hated Ryan Reynolds?” says Johanna, “Is it just because he looks like Dane Cook?”  She thinks for a minute and concludes with, “He’s pretty hot.”

They’re presenting Best Kiss.  We both went with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart because YAWWWWWN.  They win, obvz.  I lead, 5-4.

10:01 – OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT YOU GUYS!  EMMA WATSON IS HERE TO SHOW SOME OF IT TO US!  LET’S FINISH THIS THE WAY WE STARTED, VOLDEMORT!

By the way, for once that totally wasn’t sarcastic.

10:07 – Here’s three people I’ve already mentioned tonight to, in the words of the announcer, “bestow” this year’s MTV Generation Award, whatever that is.  Bestow, huh?  How highfalutin of you!  What is this, a Pulitzer?  [Note to MTV producers: Don’t ask Robert Pattinson to adlib.  Do you think he and Kristen Stewart ever make eye contact?  Like, even during sex or whatever?  Because they are the two most awkward people on Earth.]

They’re roasting bestowing the award on Reese Witherspoon.  Good for you, Reese!

10:24 – All right, we’re in the homestretch!  We are in the homestretch, right?  Don’t tell me if we’re not yet in the homestretch.  I couldn’t handle knowing that.  This has been going on forever.  Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel are here from the new movie Bad Teacher.

Is that movie going to be any good?  Probably not, right?  I mean, Cameron Diaz, you know?  But it looks sort of funny.

They’re presenting Best Line From A Movie.  Johanna went with the “You know what’s cool?  A billion dollars” line from The Social Network.  I stuck with that movie, but chose “If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you’d have invented Facebook,” because I totally use that line or variations of it ALL THE TIME.  In daily life.  Even when it makes no sense.

You know what wins, though?  Are you sitting down?  You should be sitting down for this.  You are either going to faint or LOLOLOL.  Ready?  Some little girl saying “I want to get chocolate wasted” in Grown Ups.  You know, Grown Ups, the Adam Sandler/David Spade/Chris Rock/Kevin James/Some Other People vehicle?  Hilarious romp!  Hijinks ensue! HAHAHAHAHA!  What, you haven’t seen it?  Me neither, obviously, because it was terrible.  But lots of people did, and those are EXACTLY the type of people who vote in this apocalypse.  Still 5-4 me.

10:30 – Whoa!  A bunch of people just snuck past security and swarmed the stage.  I don’t know who these people are, but they really want to tell us who won Best Scared-As-Shit  Performance (Yup, THAT’s a category).

We both went with Minka Kelly-Jeter in The Roommate, but Ellen Page won for Inception.  All right.  Again, still 5-4 me.

Johanna usually has a project she’s working on when we watch these shows, since I’m constantly pausing to type and she gets bored.  I’m not sure exactly what she’s working on tonight, but I can tell you that she just found a website that archives old episodes of MTV’s TRL and said “Oh my god.  This is EXACTLY what I need!”

10:32 – Here comes Nicki Minaj and one of the guys from Mumford and Sons to present Best Female Performance.  That seems like an odd pairing.  Wait, what?  You’re telling me that’s Ashton Kutcher?  Whatever, it still seems like an odd pairing.

Johanna is still riding the Twilight wave and went with Kristen Stewart here.  I went a bit out on a limb here and chose Emma Stone from Easy A.  People liked that movie, right?  Even though it was pretty bad?  Because it was kind of bad, you guys.  I think you might be mistaking charm for quality.   Anyway, OH NO OH NO KRISTEN STEWART WON!  Johanna pulls even with me!  Yikes.  We’re tied 5-5.

10:34 – Here are Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, and some girl named Katie Cassidy, I think?  “That dress is kind of mess,” says Johanna, to which I reply “Which one?”  I mean, seriously, look at this:

They’re introducing Lupe Fiasco.  Selena Gomez says “Hands down my favorite rapper is Lupe Fiasco.  He has a genius flow.”  Now you know!  I like Lupe a lot, as well, though.  And this “Float On” sampling song is totes my jam right now.

10:43 – Jason Sudeikis is joined onstage by Jason Bateman and Charlie Day.  I’m really happy Charlie Day is getting movies.  I love everyone on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but he is clearly the funniest and most talented.

They’re presenting Best Comedic Performance.  Johanna and I both went with Emma Stone here, and she agrees with me that Easy A was not that good.  I wish I could change my vote now, though, because I pretty much guarantee that Adam Sandler wins this.  But no!  Emma Stone wins!  Even if I don’t love that movie, I really like her.  Still tied, 6-6.

10:47 – More Twilight.  I’ll see you on the other side of this trailer, if we all make it out alive.

10:54 – And now for another totally normal thing: Gary Busey in a giant plastic bubble.  Hey, why not?

He’s presenting Best Movie.  We both went with Twilight because, as Johanna says, “I’m not an idiot.”  Twilight wins, because it is totally a better movie than Black Swan, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, Inception, and The Social Network.  We can all agree on that, right?  Of course we can.

BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME

1. Citizen Kane

2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

3. The Godfather

So, as is becoming increasingly and annoyingly common, there are a couple of untelevised categories, this time Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star.  Johanna chose Chloë Grace Moretz from Kick-Ass for both categories, while I went with Andrew Garfield and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  And Chloë Grace Moretz wins both!  Biggest Breakout Star?  Last time I checked Lil’ Chloë hadn’t been cast as the new Spider-Man.  Oh, well.

Anyway, you know what this means!  Johanna wins!  8-6!  We’ve been doing this for a year and a half and she’s only won once before this!  Yay Johanna!  She’s dancing around the apartment with our dog Ernie.  Hopefully this means she’s back on for the ESPYs.

So, I’m not going to say that I won’t do this again next year, but that was not so good.  I am a both a big apologist for award show hosts and a big fan of Jason Sudeikis, but that was a pretty poor showing.  Something tells me he won’t be hosting any more award shows any time soon.

Also, I think I figured out why I don’t like writing about this show.  I like to mix some positivity and happiness in with my sarcasm and snark in these entries, and there really isn’t much to be positive about here.  I really don’t like or don’t care about a lot of this stuff.  Oh well, I’d be crazy to pass up an opportunity to devote an evening and 2600 words to The MTV Movie Awards, right?  What a great use of my college education!  See you next time!

So with the Arab Spring and our twelve or whatever ongoing wars and the death of Osama bin Laden and everything, it seems like an appropriate time for me to revisit some of my favorite souvenirs from the heady days of my early-nineties trading card obsession.  That’s right, the 1991 Pro Set Desert Storm card collecting abomination.

This is very Nineties, right?  This predates when we started painting toy guns orange, and also predates when we realized it was ridiculous to make a set of trading cards about an event in which a bunch of real life human beings were shooting and bombing each other, apparently.  I mean, maybe there was a set of trading cards made about the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?  I’m not sure.  I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE EVER-CHANGING, FAST-PACED, HIGH-STAKES WORLD OF TRADING CARDS, OK??  But, if so, they are certainly much more below-the-radar than these cards were.  We all had them!  I’ll trade you two Colin Powell’s for your Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf, AMIRITE?  People who were up in arms about drunk GW kids celebrating bin Laden’s death outside of the White House should remember that we used to encourage young children to collect pieces of cardboard about this stuff.

Let’s close our eyes and transport ourselves back to a time when we were all rocking out, without irony, to C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).” (BTDubs, is that really a song that requires a seven-word title?)

Let’s start with the BIG ISSUES.  What was this war about again?  Communism?

No, that was over already, right?  Was it just straight up Peace In The Middle East?

Not totally, I don’t think.  Perhaps just a big misunderstanding about the geographic boundaries of the nation of Iraq?

I know what you cynics are saying: BLOOD FOR OIL!

But to me it seems more about cultural issues.  More specifically, religious disagreements.  And what better place to tackle the thorny and complex issue of religion than a set of children’s trading cards?  Class is in session.  School me, Pro Set.

All right.  Seems a bit surface-level.  I thought we were really going to delve into this.  Oh well.  At least we all got to learn that Christianity wins because it has the most followers.  Let’s move on.  Who were the big players in this international conflict?

Makes sense.  I mean, I’m not intimate with all of the details of the war, because I was nine at the time, and it all sort of feels like a historical footnote at this point.  So I only have a superficial knowledge of it.  One thing is for sure, though: if you said to me “Persian Gulf War.  1991.  Go.”  The first four words out of my mouth would be “Italy.  Norway.  New Zealand.”

Particularly New Zealand, right?  I mean, when Churchill said “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,” I’m pretty sure he was talking about New Zealand’s 4^th Sheep Battalion’s valiant efforts in the Battle of Khafji.

Nevermind, though.  We won this war decisively because of two things.  Firstly, our unwavering American spirit and patriotism:

And secondly, the overwhelming technological and organizational edge of our advanced military.  Seriously, our military is so skilled you guys!  Let’s take a look at what Pro Set thought our most important military skills were.

OK!  Fitness.  That does seem very important.  And Army guys are probably mostly very fit!  What else?

Again, OK…I mean, yes, hygiene is very important.  And soldiers are definitely at their best when healthy.

Now this just seems like a basic expectation one can have of any one person performing any one task.  That bomb does look pretty shiny, though.

Wait, “Women In Combat?”  That seems less like a “Military Skill” and more like “Basic Equal Rights.”

OK, now I suspect that you’re just yanking my chain, Pro Set.  This is war, not astrology.

Hand signals are of supreme importance both when undertaking a war and when riding a bicycle.

And now we’re just including things that fall under the category of “common human decency.”  But I guess I like that one more than this ridiculous Nancy Reagan op-ed:

So, I guess what you’re telling me is that we won this war more because of our military assets than our military skills?  Because you classify this as a “Military Asset” and I’m pretty sure it’s why we won:

Anyway, this guy seems pretty pleased with himself:

Let’s end with a much less sarcastic tribute to some real American Heroes.  God bless the U.S.A. and God bless Navy Seals.

SEAL TEAM 6!  Also, I’m pretty sure that guy in the middle is Don Draper.

I totes should have written this post last night right after watching the show because it seemed like I had lots of thoughts then that I can’t remember now, but oh well, I’m lazy and thems the breaks!

I should start by saying that I know that you hate Big Love.  Everyone hates Big Love!  But I was always sort of fond of it.  It was basically a soap opera with high production values, right?  And that’s fun, I think?  It seems that most of the problems people had with it were story-based, and that is completely valid.  Because like 83% of the stories this show chose to introduce and explore were really stupid.  I get it.  But I always saw it as more of a character-driven show than a story-driven show, and while I wasn’t really in love with any of the individual performances, these were some pretty compelling and well-drawn characters, IMHO.  It was always in the Entourage vein of HBO shows, in that it’s really stupid, but I can settle in and distractedly enjoy it every week while I try to get through my Google Reader.  And, unlike Entourage, at least it had a little bit of forward momentum, even if it was stupid forward momentum.  Entourage has, like, backward momentum.  I suspect I’ll miss Big Love a bit.

I should also say that my wife Johanna and I had some conversations as the season built to the finale about the way the show should end, and it mostly ended, in word if not in spirit, exactly how I thought it should.  I wanted Bill to die (BELATED SPOILER ALERT!!1!).  Bill needed to die.  And Bill died.  Also, I wanted to get confirmation that the story was really always about the wives and their relationships with each other, and I got that confirmation.

OK, all that said, this finale was terrible.

First of all, it was really boring, right?  When we put it on I said that I thought it would be, in the end, unsatisfying, because a satisfying series finale is really hard to pull off, and I certainly didn’t trust this set of writers to do it.  But I expected it to be fun to watch and action-packed, because there were so many plates spinning this season that it almost had to be.  And, boy, was it ever not!  Action-packed, that is.  Nothing happened for like 50 minutes!  And then everything happened all at once!  It was like the writers were just gluing together a random episode out of deleted scenes from mid-season, realized it was the SERIES FINALE OH NO and then panicked and shot Bill.

Also, some random guy shot Bill.  I mean, I realize now that the scenes of the neighbor/assassin unraveling in previous episodes were supposed to be capital-F Foreshadowing, but it was all so heavy-handed.  It bummed me out.  I read in a couple of places today that Bill had to be killed by a rando instead of Alby or a political opponent or whatever because if that had happened it would have been validating his crap and would have turned him into a martyr, and that opinion is sort of interesting to me.  It kind of makes sense!  But, first of all, if you want the murderer to be someone random, then make it someone random, not someone who kind of actually has a beef with Bill who just happens to also be crazy.  Second of all, just because having Alby kill Bill would have been easier doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been more satisfying.  Alby wasn’t even in this episode!  The main antagonist!

Basically, they took what should have been a very meaningful moment in the show, Bill’s death, and turned it in to a not at all meaningful moment.  I’m not even sure what we are supposed to take away from it.  That’s one of my main issues with Big Love in general.  What are we supposed to think of Bill?  It seems like we’re sort of supposed to sympathize with Bill, even if we disagree with his beliefs, because he believes in them so strongly and is working so hard to do what he believes is right and to be the change he wants to see in the world, etcetcetcetcetc.  But then he goes around being so selfish and manipulative and carelessly destroying people’s lives and, worst of all, being a pretty terrible father to his children and a terrible husband to all of his wives.  It’s all about you, isn’t it, Bill Henrickson?

This finale actually reminded me a lot of the finale of Lost, which I also pretty much hated.  I hated them for the same reason.  They not only didn’t satisfactorily end all the storylines they had expected me to get invested in, but they made me feel like I wasn’t supposed to get invested in those storylines in the first place.  They made me feel stupid for paying attention this whole time.  So what was the point of even making the show then, you know?  Just because you couldn’t figure out how to end things doesn’t mean you get to pretend that I just misunderstood your show the whole time.

Both finales also shared weird church scenes near the end:

So, MORAL OF THE STORY TIME, guys: Next time you see me, remind me to never write a pilot script for a television show, move to Los Angeles, hustle around Hollywood pitching it, get it picked up, have it become really successful, and do what I can to cultivate a devoted audience.  Because eventually I’m going to have to end the show, and if you’ve read this far it will be very apparent that I am not a writer capable of that feat.  This post is a mess.  And series finales are really hard.

So at some point, perhaps when I was the owner of a Chrysler dealership while they were going bankrupt (Believe it or not, that is not a joke!  That is a thing that  actually happened!), I got it in my head that I should be one of those “Buy American” people.  One way in which this manifested itself was in my half-baked decision to only wear, like, Nike, Vans and Converse shoes and no longer support Adidas or Puma.

My aversion to Adidas was even more pronounced because I have an inherent distrust of German corporations, mostly because I assume they all used to provide material support to the Nazi Party.  UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIM BASED ON ABSOLUTELY NO INFORMATION ALERT!  When I brought up this attitude about the Germans to my wife’s father and told him I was thinking of buying a Ford instead of, say, a Volkswagen because of it, he pointed out that Henry Ford was a noted anti-Semite who exchanged correspondance with Adolf Hitler.  Or something.  So there’s that.

Another way in which I’m an idiot is that clearly all of these shoe companies are global corporations at this point, and they’re all manufacturing the sneakers in the same Indonesian sweatshops, and blah blah blah, I know!  I know, OK?!  I just said RIGHT AT THE START OF THIS PARAGRAPH that I’m an idiot!  Do I contradict myself?  Very well then I contradict myself, I am a large hypocrite.

Anyway, this new Adidas commercial features both my singer crush, Katy Perry, and my basketball crush, Derrick Rose, so I’m thinking of switching allegiances.  Sorry, Phil Knight!  And yes, I know, you hate Katy Perry, but I don’t care.  She’s really hot, you guys.  Plus, I know you hate her husband Russell Brand, too, but that doesn’t stop me from also really liking him.  So there.

As for the commercial itself, I think it might be slightly too frenetic for my taste, but the new Justice song it uses is pretty awesome, and it really makes me want to go care about something/work hard/never give up!  I’m not sure I’m going to go out and buy a new pair of Adidas shoes, though, because pretty much every pair that I’ve ever owned has sort of hurt my feet.  But if anyone could convince me to switch brands it would be Derrick Rose, on whom I currently have the biggest sports crush I’ve had since the heights of my Pujolsmania.  He’s so hard-working and humble and unselfish and amazing!  Did you see this article?  How could you not love him?!

Speaking of my current love of Derrick Rose, I really need someone to talk NBA with.  None of my friends care, and my wife, God bless her, tries her best, but I get the sense that she’s just daydreaming about Kyle Chandler while I’m blathering on about how maybe the Bulls are better off with the 2 seed in the East as opposed to the 1 seed because then they would probably face the Heat in the second round of the playoffs instead of the Magic, and I really think they match up better against the Heat in a seven game series.  What’s that?  You’ve already stopped reading?  OK then, I’ll show myself out.